For those who tried to enter the dating pool, how did it go?
4mon 7d ago by lemmy.world/u/Cantaloupe877 in asklemmy
Is it as many people describe? Do you have an easy or difficult time with it?
Went through a nasty breakup, hit the dating apps, had a few terrible dates and then started spending more time pursuing hobbies. Made friends through hobby groups (skiing and mountaineering in my case) and one of those friends has now been my partner for over a decade.
Shared interest groups are the way to go IMO.
That's great advice. I've joined a few hobby groups, made some good friends, and uhh, enjoyed doing hobbies with friends. No romantic success, but I did get out of the house and do fun stuff.
Best thing about being married
Not having to date
My marriage is coming to its end, and potential dating scares me the most.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, stranger! I will be less depressed, if I have people like you in real life.
people have met through xbox online games, so anythings possible. i knew someone in college who met thier partner at the time, probably married by now through games.
Life hack!
Extremely difficult.
I tried dating apps, but ultimately I have friends who I asked out and I got rejected.
For me the hard thing is going out and socializing. It's just statistics; the more you go out to random places and meet new people, the more likely you are to find someone, but it drains my energy like nothing else and I also gotta gather confidence after only ever being rejected.
Turns out dating is hard, but as long as you keep being open it'll happen at some point.
That's basically where I sit, the emotional cost is just too great and it's easier not to engage at all.
Not real great. I've always taken the advice to "just treat women like people," and have had a lot of great friendships with women as a result. Then, for a few months some years ago, I decided to follow the "just be confident" advice, and forced myself to behave in ways that felt to me very transgressive and boundary-breaking. It worked stunningly well, but I just can't keep it up. That's not my personality, or my romantic style. I need some indication that a woman is interested in me, and pushing past her initial resistance makes me feel queasy. But, I'm not attractive enough to get those kinds of signals often, so, the single life it is.
Treat them like people because, well, they are people (lol), but don't treat them like men. Humanity doesn't just default to masculinity, after all.
Have you tried doing he same thing but with some very tactfully avoided eye contract? Works very well to look for a little signal that might not happen if she doesn't notice you. If she ignores it a little longer than just at first, she is not interested. If you give it a few rounds of carefully looking and playing shy when she notices, she might start joining in the dance so to speak. That's your signal that there might be some interest possible. I like to go up in a situation that does not pressure her or put her too much on the spot and just hand her mym number to contact me if she would like to chat.
Sometimes they write, sometimes they don't. :) but it's the much less boundary pushing way to measure interest before engaging and without making anybody uncomfortable. And yes, women are friends, not food.
"Dating" is bullshit. Just go about your social life and you'll meet someone.
Having a social life is the key. It's more likely to meet someone you get along with if you keep hanging out with a larger group of people you get along with. Rather than relying on an almost random app algorithm.
Most definitely. A few factors at work here: being in a group makes it a lower-pressure situation. Also, being with a group demonstrates some degree of social proof.
Very good advice. My main addition to this advice is to accept that you may never find someone and to find a way to still enjoy life. Bizarrely it will help you find someone.
Dating via apps is bullshit, yes, because its people flinging themselves at a each other randomly like angry birds and hoping for a good outcome. Dating strangers in the traditional senss seems okay... but you're right, meeting someone casually and then asking them out is the very best
Upvoted because : angry birds reference
And that's how I found her.
After 21 years of marriage and about 5 years of working on myself after divorce, I'm finally dipping my toes in the dating pool. Honestly, it's not as bad as people make it out to be. I don't use dating apps, as they weren't around when I was previously single and I don't see them as likely being effective for me. I'm 60, but good looking and extremely fit, most people assume I'm in my mid 40s, and I do a decent job of attracting interested women in their 30s and 40s. I feel that I'd be screened out by age on dating apps and not even seen by women in my target demographic, whereas in person I do really well. Overall, reentering the dating pool has been an interesting experience. One surprising thing is that women over 40 are much more forward with me than I'm used to. They ask me if I'm single, ask for my phone number, and even proposition me point blank at times. Overall, it's been a very positive experience for me, and I feel like I do at least as well or better than I did in my youth (which was pretty good).
It’s good that you are having good luck out there. I’m 50 and am trying to date again. No idea of where to go to meet people.
Let me tell you, I've discovered the best way to meet people effortlessly (more or less). I've consumed a lot of dating content on youtube, and learned a lot in the process. One of the videos I watched ranked places to meet people, and two of the top places were dance class and run clubs. I've been doing both. I run with a couple of different run clubs, and while I enjoy getting a good workout in, run clubs haven't been very productive for me to meet women. One of the things that I feel is hindering me in that regard is that I'm not a great runner and pretty slow. In general, women are attracted to high status men, and status is contextual. As a slow runner, my status in the running context isn't very high, and I feel that as a consequence, the women I meet in that context aren't seeing me as a good prospect. YMMV. That said, I have met people at run clubs, so you may wish to find one in your area.
Dancing classes, however, have been a gold mine. I started at the end of last August taking ballroom dancing lessons to dip my toes in the water. While there are some younger people, the median age at the ballroom dance class I take is about 65. While on the surface, that may not seem like a good environment, I stand out in it. I'm fit, good looking, and dress sharp, and women notice. Women understand much better than men that being attractive is not something that you are or are not, but rather something that you cultivate. Most men don't do much to improve their appearance and as they age just let themselves go. As a consequence, I am hands-down the most attractive man that regularly attends class, and always have women vying for my attention. I am the "big fish" in a small pond, and to the extent there are women in that group I am interested in, I am definitely on their radar.
Dancing is particularly good for meeting people and fostering a romantic context, because it involves physical contact within your partner's intimate zone. I chuckle when dating advice videos talk about "breaking the touch barrier", because in the dancing context you're basically holding hands with your arm around them, standing in their intimate zone from the outset.
In addition, the dancing context overlays strong gender roles. As a man, I am the "lead" and the woman is the "follow", and I communicate with her with my body. As the song says:
Bodies in conversation
Use your imagination
I like it
When we dance
Even if you don't meet anyone in dance class, you're learning a valuable skill that can only help you in the competitive arena of dating. Think about it. You've seen videos of birds doing their mating dances, tail feathers flared out. The mating dance for humans is dancing.
While ballroom was my initial foray into dancing, swing dancing and the social dancing scene has been amazing for me. It's hard to get really good quickly at ballroom dancing, as there are fewer opportunities to practice. None of the nightclubs in my city have "Tango Night" or "Foxtrot Night", but a whole lot of them cater to various popular social dances, including salsa, cumbia, swing, etc. Where I am at, you can go out and meet people dancing almost any night of the week. Moreover, as a lead, if you are any good at all you'll have attractive women lining up to dance with you. It's more difficult to be a lead, so follows tend to outnumber leads. My current focus is on East Coast Swing and Lindy Hop, but I still do the ballroom dancing as well. It's good to be well-rounded.
I cannot overstate how helpful dancing has been for me with respect to meeting women. After a prolonged period of social isolation while I worked on myself following my divorce, I went from a social circle of zero (I literally had no one in my life), to an enormous social circle, with fun events to attend several nights per week, and a wide array of dating prospects. I highly recommend it.
Thank you for the information
I'm not quite as old as you, but you might be surprised on dating apps. I initially left the age requirements off when I first got on them and every single match I got was around 20 years old. I've talked to some older friends too and it's apparently not uncommon. You can set your age requirements to whatever you want and I can almost guarantee that most of your matches will be at the low end and your age matters almost not at all. Very unexpected and I do not recommend dating someone in their 20s, but you might find that you fare a lot better than you expect.
Thank you. I'm a bit of an outlier in a lot of ways, and I'm awaking to the fact that if I want to find the right person from me, I'm going to have to increase the volume of people I date, and probably the easiest way to do that would be to tackle online dating, so it's probably in my future.
Well, i got on some dating apps, spoke with some guys who fizzled out, had some awkward dinners, and eventually got a boyfriend. Together for 3 years now.
For specifics.
- I live in a major city so dating pool is relatively large.
- be realistic about your own looks when approaching people. I'm pretty average looking and when I approach guys who are cute but not outlandishly gorgeous I had a better time.
- some people will try and neg you during a date. It will be super obvious. It will make the date suck
- don't stick out a bad date because of any sense of obligation.
It took me a long time to find someone who I meshed with, and who I was excited to see every day. It only really clicked when I stopped trying so hard on dates. Just... had an honest conversation.
I would rather gnaw off my own foot than go on another first date.
Neg during a date?
Yeap. Strange choice to make, I agree. But negging at any time is a strange choice.
Are you just fucking with me? ha ha, I was wondering what negging means never heard it before.
I just looked it up, so thinly veilied insults, backhanded compliments, or to attack someone's self confidence to make them more vulnerable to hooking up with assholes kind of. I can't imagine doing such a thing trying to pick a girl up that is incredible this is like andrew tate manfluencer type of stuff.
Im sorry, I assumed you were confused by the "on a date" part.
I’m the person who got married after finding her spouse on OK Cupid, I’m half of all the people that got a marriage cause of that site!
Honestly, if you set your standards really high, and your distance to global, it should work out.
I guess I'm the other half? 😅 (Also met my spouse on OkCupid - both as poly people, too!)
Then I'm the third half and I have a friend that makes the 4th half. I feel like okcupid's early days was peak dating tech before the enshittification set in.
Yup, another here. Been with my wife for fourteen years, this will be our 11th wedding anniversary.
Right on! We won the game. 🍻
Add another to the pile of OKC long term partnerships. Plenty of hookups from other sites, but it was the only one with the questionnaires to get a really good idea of compatibility, and no match needed to message. I understand that it has changed drastically for the worse and it's now yet another swipe festival. Pathetic.
After a couple years the dating pool, last spring I was fed up with all the bullshit, so I said "fuck it, I'm done" and gave up.
Shortly after I casually met my best friend's sister after 10 years we didn't see each other and had a really fun time, so we started hanging out. I didn't even see her as a "potential candidate" in the beginning until I realized how much I enjoyed spending time together. So we started dating and now we're in a truly wonderful relationship, I can easily say the best I ever had.
And I think all of this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't let myself truly enjoy someone without any preconceived goal or expectation, without that "fuck it, I'm done" moment.
I know this is not c/casualconversation but OP you gave me an opportunity to share the funniest dating story I have ever heard of, from first-hand experience unfortunately. This was in middle/late 2023
I... am not that great. Pretty mediocre looks, Asian guy (there's research on this lol) in the US, and the Autism is very strong... so I only ever got 2 matches, neither of which worked out. One of them was particularly brutal because we talked on the app for a whole month, finally met in a coffee shop... and I immediately got ghosted afterwards. I think at that point (2 mo) Hinge started only showing me ppl I have already seen so I deleted the app. However
The person I talked for a month with mentioned a local arcade that I didn't think much of. Later in 2023 I decided to visit, on 2023-12-09... and holy shit they have all my favorite games, and they even had a DDR (technically ITG) cab and a maimai cab that are basically workouts. I instantly signed up for the monthly membership (which was way cheaper than a gym) and started going there at least 3 times a week, probably for like 3-4 hours at once. That was literally what got me through the end of grad school
I still have a picture I took the first time I went of a Sound Voltex cab (6th gen, "EXCEED GEAR") and how I got destroyed on a song I would now do as a warmup routine... which is why I knew the exact date I visited the arcade btw, the picture is timestamped
So what was I typing. No dating pool isn't great
late reply was just scrolling through c/asklemmy
I read that Asian Male and Black Female are the most "undesirable" in the western dating world... so... yeah...
Tough luck
Which is why my older brother is going back to China for marriage lmfao
Cuz he aint ever gonna get with a girl here in the US, hes socially awkward af, and there's just a lot of Asians girls dating white dudes... so yeah...
I don't feel like going back to China due to political reasons so I guess I'll just remain single for the rest of my life, since I'm an "undesirable" to most people... 🙃
Edit: I mean I guess I can go to Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia, and maybe meet ethnic Chinese... but I doubt my US Citizenship and being able to come to the US is even desirable to them when considering... um... current politics... 👀
But then again, my brother has a visa ready to go back to China and presumably gonna bring some girl to the US after they get married... so like... idk wtf is he even doing, my mom orchestrated all his dating stuff... arranged marriage basically... 🤷♂️
An overall mixed experience. Its certainly worse with the rise of dating apps. The main thing I found that made it easier was learning to deal with rejection and not letting it break me every time I was turned down. Took a while to do but it does help.
Waste of time. Now I'm 46, no kids, never married. Couldn't be happier.
Well I'm 24 and I've never even kissed anyone so I think that answers everything nicely...
Same, it feels awful at times and i try not to dwell too much on it.
I'm even older, you're not alone.
To the ugly people out there:
I'm using "ugly" here for clarity, but it's important to remember that though beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there is "being ugly", "looking ugly" and "acting ugly"
Some people are naturally beautiful, other have to work on it. Call it talent, if you will. Either way, when talent doesn't work hard, you need to work hard yourself. Go to the gym, not to become a muscle machine, bit to be and look healthy. Surprise, looking healthy looks attractive. It's not even immediately about losing weight, though for some that too may be very helpful.
Then, go to YouTube and find some videos on helping to appear better. Look into fashion that you like, and whatever you pick, try to do it well. Look however you want, but just try to look well. A well dressed emo looks better than a shoddy emo. Same for chads, furries, or you name it.
Then: just don't be a dick. You can be beautiful on the outside, but if the inside is rotten, nobody will want to be with you, doh. Find people with your interests, be it sports, Warhammer, hiking, foods, politics, or playing chess, find someone that shares your ideas, interests and values.
And just be nice! That sounds easy, but it may require some work, depending how talented you are with being nice. I make a point out of it to always be a progressive gentleman. So while I'm not of the "women belong in the kitchen", I will always open every door for my dates (well, now wife),I always volunteer to help them out with something, I never ask for anything in return. Find a good sense of humor, everybody likes to laugh.
There are no guarantees, but with 8 billion people on this world, it can't be impossible to find somebody that wants to love you
I've done that, check check and check. Unfortunately, the people I wanted to date did not and were more ugly on the inside that I could've imagined.
I'm waiting for some brave lonesome soul to make c/fedidate
It could be you.
I'm only one of those things at a time
It'll exist at some point surely, surprised it hasn't been made already.
It's a bit bleak in the apps. Lots of conversations just fizzle out because there's no reason for anyone to commit and you really need to sell yourself. It's best to go to the most popular apps. Had a few dates here and there, they weren't terrible. I ended up paying for a Hinge subscription but found my gf on Tinder where I didn't have a subscription after a few months and we're still together a year later.
So it works it's just bleak and capitalistic and there's a lot of shit to filter out.
Somehow height didn’t work for me. It might be attractiveness; part of me also suspects something about the sum image makes me seem a little bit intimidating to people.
It did come in handy one time when a racist drunk guy was harassing a poor Korean commuter on the subway. It’s hard to quantify the ways being scary/intimidating is good for you, as opposed to the inverse.
I just recently started fingerblasting a friend of mine.
That's basically a date, right?
Congrats on the fingerblasting
Met my spouse on the apps buuuuuut that was like almost a decade ago at this point. It wasn’t good then. Matches (the few) had maybe a one-in-four potential for not being a scam/no-response/insta-dud. The ones that did sort of start were — likely due to the region — centered around hiking, jeeps, and bonfires at the beach. I changed my bio to say something like “I love books and hate hiking” which helped. Friends who are on the apps today though? Complete cesspit from what I understand. Always a new app, never a new culture.
Is it as who describe?
Is it as the general masses of people describe? Is dating hard now, or is it actually easy?
“Enter[ing] the dating pool” puts way too much pressure on the situation. I just go out looking to meet interesting people and make friends. Eventually I’ll meet someone where things feel different and we’ll both want to get to know each other more than most of the people we meet. That’s how I met my current partner four months ago.
That said, we did meet while going to events in our local kink scene. That’s a more unique environment where everyone understands that conversations have a high likelihood to be sexual and any kind of judgmental attitude is frowned upon by the community. It makes it way easier to be comfortable and confident in a conversation.
Dating apps are evil. I avoid them like the plague. Yeah it may feel “safer” to swipe through strangers on an app, but you’re really just trading your mental health (and whatever information the corpos collect) for the illusion of safety. Going out and putting yourself out there is hard and scary, but it gets easier over time and the results are much better.
My experiences with dating has been 99% lies, ghosting, gas lighting, and manipulation, so I fucking stopped. Not worth it.
Not trying to accuse. I’m generally curious. How many people did you date?
There are many ways to 'enter the dating pool.' All of them are different.
Dip a toe, make a splash, tread some water do some laps, helps to have a little cash, go outside don't fuck with apps
Lyrics?
They are if you sing em! Just shitposting ;)
So. I've had multiple experiences. I'm poly, so some strange scenarios ahead, but as an adult here they are, in the order they started:
Met through work, and was a platonic partner of about 5 years. Ended because of housing issues, but the relationship was... Fine. She definitely had issues, but nothing worse than I had. Also the only one of these I date while being coworkers.
Next one I met through work. Only lasted 2 months, and her fiance's girlfriend had to coach her through breaking up with me because she had a stack of cotton candy where most people have a spine.
Next one I'm still with 6 years later, almost 7. Met on a dating app, and it's been fairly smooth since.
Next one I met through work. Been together for about 7 years as well (3 weeks after previously mentioned relationship started)
Next one I also met through work, and was a platonic partner of about 5 years. Ended because of housing issues.
Next one lasted 3 months. It ended amicably, we just weren't great as partners.
Next major partner was the only abusive one I've had. Met her through a friend who I met on a dating app. Real piece of work, but I got a room mate for 3 years out of the deal so hey. Silver linings. (I kept the boyfriend in the breakup)
Next one was someone I met on a dating app. Ended it because their spouse was unsafe to be around.
Next one is the girl who coached second partner through breaking up with me. Yeah. Wild experience. I met her through the that partner, we screeched like pterodactyls at each other, and stayed friends after the breakup. We're officially just FWBs, but... It'll be 4 years this year, so worth mentioning regardless?
Overall it's a fuckin' grab bag. Dating apps are great, meeting through work goes well, and apparently helping your ex's fiance break up with their partner because said fiance's spinal cord was replaced with spun sugar doesn't sour things all that much.
I've never had luck dating, I seemed to attract messy alcoholic women where I could tell why they were single. Not that I'm without fault as a person, but that's who I met with online dating in my 30s.
I've had heaps of luck getting together with women I've known for a year+ through hobbies and interest groups where we got to spend time together getting to know each other without the pressures of judging each other as a pre-partner.
I’ve definitely got to do something about hobbies and interest groups. It always seems like the most organic way to get to know someone with similar interests ….. but my actual approach tends to be “… at home” or “…. By myself”, and even at meetups I don’t do well at socializing
Being a trans girl with pretty privelage tm and just hanging out in spaces for us had gotten me enough dates tbh
No woman ever wanted me. I don't blame them. I'm a perpetual loser.
Had a few attempts at it myself, didn't end very well. It's a painful experience, and it lingers too. You usually never get texts first, and that's simply because in order for that to happen, you gotta stand out from a huge crowd of guys. It forces you to roll the dice yourself and initiate, which is terrifying.
I rolled the dice on myself and walked away bankrupt.
It hurts bad, and for a very long too. it's a feeling I find quite difficult to describe, like a nauseous feeling, the worst I had ever felt was before high school ended for me and I managed to bomb a perfectly fine platonic relationship. The regret afterward lingered for years and years. I had lost the confidence to attempt again.
Definitely one of several reasons I’ve stayed away from the apps is to maintain self esteem. I’m not sure how well I’d handle rejection on a massive scale
I was "in the dating pool" from ages 13 to 23 and then I met my now wife. One thing I've noticed, throughout cultures and ages, is that beautiful women will easily fall madly in love with a man who's responsible, emotionally stable (at least relatively), secure in their decision making, comforting and funny, even in the absence of big money/attractiveness.
It's crazy the amount of people in this thread who found love when they weren't actively searching for love.
Can't force it, can't fake it, just have to let it in. I love love and I love you.
I had met my wife on a dating app in 2021. I wouldn't recommend it and I am pretty sure she wouldn't either.
In short, it was just pure luck that we have matched. And it was also incredibly lucky that we had many things in common considering both of our backgrounds. And it is not like same taste in art, media, food. More of experience.
My reason is that even if me and my wife found each other, chances were close to 0. And on the way there we got both hurt many times on these apps. These apps are designed to keep you on the app, not to effectively find a match. They will make you miss good potential matches in favor or less good ones so you keep scrolling and eventually paying for premium.
You really have more chances to find a mate just living out there. Join interest clubs. Attend events. Socialize a bit more. That way your chances are thousand times higher than on these apps.
After a breakup it was good for fucking around (literally) but if you want something meaningful and serious, go for shared interests. Go talk to other people slacklining if you're into that. Visit skate parks, art exhibitions, tournaments you like.
I love dating later in life as opposed to dating when I was younger. People my age are usually much smarter and well rounded than when we were in our 20s. If they have kids, they're usually grown enough to not be annoying. I love when I hear short fat older freshly divorced dudes complain. Like homie, there is a reason you are getting the responses you do on the apps. Although I am incredibly tall and in decent shape, so ymmv.
This was my experience as well, everyone had calmed down and just staying in shape put me in the better looking bucket. Duck to swan thing, I didn't get to feel that when I was young so it was kinda nice.
Just don't really meet anyone I'm even curious to know better lately.
Been moving country/city a few times. Tried to make sure to always do stuff in my free time where there would be girls around. Ended up on quite a few dates!
Dating is so much fun. I love meeting strangers in this weird pseudosexual tension when you don't know eachother and you don't know what's gonna happen.
Even bad dates were fun experiences in terms of meeting interesting people. And if you realize that being happy alone is better than being in a bad relationship, a failed date is no problem.