Is this you?
1mon 5d ago by piefed.blahaj.zone/u/LadyButterfly in autism from piefed.cdn.blahaj.zone
Kinda why I thought I might be a sociopath. I don't ask things like that because I genuinely do not care.
In my experience most neurotypicals don't as well and it's just some kind of ritual. Most of the time I just try to copy what the other person is doing to not be awkward and get on with it.
I care, but i'm only going to ask someone how they are if they're visivly upset, or visibky happy/excited, or otherwise they will share with me first.
Your treatment of the word "visibly" amuses me.
Lol! I have major typing issues on this godforsaken device, it's as if it has auto-de-correct on instead of the default autocorrect. I will type things out carefully then look back at the comment at the end to see a dozen incorrect letters scattered throughout the paragraph
Well ... We've all been there.
People aren't waiting for the answer so I doubt they even notice that you didn't ask
The answer is not the point. The question is what people expect. It is a gesture of friendly respect.
Unless you're in Europe
"Salut, ça va?"
Fair enough
When I ask someone I do generally listen to the reply because I care about the person and want to know how they feel. Most people I ask do ask me back so I try to have an answer ready and it is noticeable when it doesn't happen, but I don't mind.
I'm not so sure anymore, I've had co-workers grumble to me so-and-so doesn't greet people back at work.
I rarely use people's names.
I actively avoid it XD
Names are overrated. I prefer being called good boy.
I've been married for almost a decade and still sometimes have to put thought into it before I address my wife by name.
I once referred to my oldest friend - whom I've known since I was eight - as "what's-his-name." The woman who is now the aforementioned wife responded "you mean your oldest and dearest friend?"
Pretty much the only person whose name I can remember without trying is my kid, whose name I had a part in choosing.
I use them all the time on purpose. People like to hear their own names. It quickly recognizes them as an associate of yours and makes them feel special.
That's why I don't like it. I feel being manipulated if someone says my name all the time.
Well, around other NDs I skip the pleasantries and get down to business.
If there’s less than a 100% chance that I’m certain what their name is in the second there was an opportunity to use it, I don’t use it; then I immediately beat myself up internally for not using it.
Part of my mask is almost always asking people how they are feeling for the day when I first start my interaction with them. I used to avoid that kind of small talk, but it actually super helps me make adjustments to my conversations with them and gives me context to why they might speak to me a certain way. When I'm in a burn out phase, I tend to avoid it though because I don't really have the mental energy to process their responses and want to disconnect as quickly as possible.
I engage with them no matter what. My reasons being: if I can handle it, I get a gauge on what mood they’re in and how to talk to them that day, which makes things easier for me since I don’t have to guess. If I can’t handle caring about their response, at least it gets them talking and I don’t have to offer up anything about my life. Just keep steering the conversation back to theirs and they basically handle all the heavy lifting until I can find an out.
Obviously this does not work perfectly all the time but it usually gets me to the finish line.
I think a month or two ago I'd have said the same thing, but I've recently hit the worst burnout I've ever experienced... There's been days where I can only get a few words out before my brain just shuts down. Absolutely night and day difference from where I was...sooo now I'm in ultra recovery mode and really focusing on building my battery back up 😓
Oooofff I am sorry. Hopefully you can recharge and you have some reliable ways to extract yourself from dealing with the energy vampires.
It’s wild how fast your defences can fail once you get to a certain point.
I'm starting to do it more recently, and almost always it feels awkward because I'm mostly doing it because it what I should do, for the reason of... it is what is done.
TIL I am autism
Can confirm, was skeptical and clicked there bio. They talked about amazing digital circus.
Same. It’s hard to remember because I assume people ask me because they care about the answer instead of it just being a social ritual. For the same reason I don’t ask it back because I genuinely don’t care.
Somehow it's the exact opposite for me. I assume people are just asking for the social ritual while I actually care about the answer, but it somehow feels selfish in my mind to expect them to give a genuine answer when I hate doing that myself. So I don't ask. Because obviously, that's how you get people to not dislike you, right? By not making them do things they don't want to do.
The solid three minutes after someone asks me how I'm doing before I remember to ask it back, just about every time 😬
That's me. I do genuinely care, and want to have a conversation, but somewhere i missed that bit of programming and have to go back after the fact.
Exact same for me.
Notice my daily post is "Hey What's Going On!" And not "How are you?"
Someone said that those Floskeln are there to feel out if you are dangerous.
As soon as I thought of all that stuff more like signals that you won't attack and your intentions aren't malicious, it made more sense.
I think it's especially important to ask them back if they didn't actually mean it in the first place.
Normies are weird, you just have to learn some arbitrary rules to coexist with them. It might feel fake, but it's genuine to them.
I find it's best to just avoid people wherever possible
not autistic, but yeah thats me
I'm starting to think these quirky relatable characteristics don't in fact constitute autism 🤔
LOLL ... well said.
That depends on the culture. I have a british coworker who says "hi, how are you" as a greeting, not as a question.
Also the British custom of asking if you're alright which must adhere to the following script:
"Hiya, you alright?"
"Oh yeah not so bad. You?"
"Yeah not bad."
You can deviate slightly ("can't complain") but under no circumstances must you discuss whether you're actually alright or not. I've genuinely seen this exchange happen at a funeral, with the widower being like "Yeah not so bad..."
when i went to Britain the first time (as an american), everyone kept asking me if i was alright and i thought there was something wrong with me like i was bleeding or smth
Well you have to consider perspective. He's doing way better than his wife...
You don't have to reply back with the person's name, unless it's unclear who you're addressing, which should be abundantly clear in an interaction like:
"Hey Devin!" "Hey, what's up."
Adding the "what's up" is important though, or something to the same effect ("how are you", ...), because it helps support the conversation and keep it flowing.
Just mirroring the "Hey" can feel terse and unwelcoming, like you're not interested in talking because you're not providing the other person a "conversational path" they can follow up on.
As the conversation continues, usually both parts will be providing "paths" that the other can choose to take, according to their interests.
These days I'm old and wise. I'll remember asking about the other person right after the conversation ended, not a week after.
Wait what!?!!?
Though yeah, i kinda totally forget that I'm supposed to randomly ask about small things as well from other people, not just exchange of information.
Kinda like forgetting to show interest in the other person, well technically there is a grain of truth there as i generally do lack that interest and doing it manually is prone to forgetting it.
Though it's kinda understandable, autism does effect the social and emotional side of me the strongest.
I don't know if im autistic but I have never been exactly mainstream. I think my neighbors like me well enough but I also think im strange to them. Some I take some sort of personal slight from me but honestly those folks are like ones its just as well if they avoid me. One thing that is wierd is the tribalism thing. Like people expect if you agree with them on one thing you will on all things. So some people are like mad at you at times but then fine with you based on your lasst conversation. I have no idea when people started expected everyone to agree with them all the time.
Yes. I always attributed this to my social anxiety (which led me to being very isolated growing up, minimal social interactions, etc.) but I can also see how it could've been both. At this point, I've never truly felt confident enough to hold any form of small talk with people due to lack of social cues like the image mentions and some other stuff.
Yes, but I try to remind myself that it’s the correct thing to do even if I’ll get non answers like ”just fine” 95% of the time (even if they’re not ”just fine”)
These social customs are derived from genuine interactions with friends. I'm curious how you deal with talking to people you care about? When I ask my friends how they are doing I'm actually curious about their lives, and I expect them to also be curious about mine. This type of reciprocation is necessary for a friendship in my opinion.
Generally I don't. I try to be supportive of them, help them, take them into consideration when making decisions and just listen when they talk, but i seem to have almost non-existent drive to actually talk or ask about their day or interests, unless it's somehow going to effect my plans or routines in the future or they are under my responsibility.
Though it has obviously raised questions even in myself. Am i actually interested/caring/whatever towards this particular individual or just following social script or just doing it out of selfish desire not to feel bad.
Technically 99% of the people around me could be switched out in an instant and I'd go on like nothing happened, excluding the part where i would have to learn and memorize their behavioral patterns again.
Hey, LadyButterfly, I have this problem all the time.
I'm doing great, thanks, kbye.
Dear Quexotic,
I’m writing you today to let you know that I, also, relate to the original poster. I appreciate that we have this in common.
Additionally, I wanted to express that, the thing that you have done here, I see it. While some might disagree, I found it pleasantly subtle, and, due to its nature, subtlety often doesn’t get the recognition it deserves.
In this case, I felt this mode of expression would both build upon the humorous twist embedded in your message, but also afford the opportunity to pronounce my admiration for that cleverness, even though it may be a minor moment in both of our lives.
With my warmest regards,
Jeremy “JP” Parker
Oh, neat! I don't have to perform my traditional "they hate me" spiralling! That's quite pleasant! Thanks😁
With my Best Wishes Quexotic
People usually only explicitly state each other's names when they either need to differentiate to whom they are talking when more than one person could be the subject, or to create lazy exposition in a TV show.
Also they don't actually care how you are and won't expect anything except that you're fine, it's just a social ceremony.
Using the name is also (imo) strange and creepy way to make you seem friendlier and more polite
I'm quite sociable but also very quiet. I'm thinking being polite of not disturbing or interrupting people. However, at some point I start to wonder why nobody is talking to me. Well, duh, I should ask or talk to people, but this never crosses my mind or just flys past me.
"I am functioning within normal parameters."
I'm the same. Don't really care for small talk
You might not but it's extremely important. The idea behind small talk is to check if everyone is on the same page. When you're doing small talk you're communicating that you're an ok person and that you're ok with the other person. By skipping or avoiding small talk you're basically fucking with the vibe in the room. Imagine everyone is humming the same song and getting along and you bust down the door and start death growling about the meaning of life and your pokemon card collection while guitars shriek in the background, that's what skipping small talk is.
I do it when necessary, I can read a room, just don't care for talking about the weather in an elevator.
Then yell, it's a free country, wherever you are in the world, so you can do that.
I don't have a problem with it, but the normies sure do seem like they do.
I sometimes find when you do this, ask how someone's doing outside of the initial small talk bit, they seem to find it more genuine and will open up anout how they're actually doing. When I'm working and someone greets me with :how are you" or "how's it going" I'll usually answer something ridiculous like wonderful! And not ask them back. If we're still working chose by, a bit later I'll ask how they're doing.
Protip: if you ask how they're doing you have to talk less.
Yes, but i have to use more brain power to pay attention
This meme is literally describing a feature of autism then asking “DAE?”
Yeah but sometimes people just need validation theyre not alone
I totally get that, and I’m all for it. I just thought it was funny.
What IS up though?
Jokes on you - my autistic stepson will continually repeat "how are you? - [and then] ...not bad, how are you?"
I speak the truth of how the Roman Dodecahedron is really a pedagogical object to teach the true nature of the topological matrix that manifests the monadic nodal communication system we are, but most people run away when they see the bloody knife in my hand, so I never get to ask them to dinner or a round of pickle ball at the Farfankerie.
People talk about the eye contact thing, but name usage is way harder for me. I can just look at someone’s eyebrows, but I can’t pull off pet names for people I don’t know very well.
I feel like I’m either in trouble or the person talking to me wants to sell me something or seduce me when someone calls me by my name, so I don’t want other people to feel like that. It also always feels forced if I just say their name when they say mine, like I didn’t think of it on my own.
It’s getting tough because I just started teaching and I can tell that everything would be easier if I indicated students by name instead of by eye contact, but I can’t manage to get names out fast enough for them to be helpful.
I've gotten better about this but yeah I used to do it constantly.
I nod and wave; usually I'm deep in thought. If I'm walking the halls or navigating cubicle mazes, I'm often doing my work in my head so that when I get back to my cubicle, I can do my work on autopilot while I focus on other things. So when I'm not focusing on normie coworkers, I just nod, wave, smile, something that shows I'm paying attention. If I do focus on them, I use their name if I know it and fake interaction.
I'm not the only one thrown off by this; I'm not sure if these people are autistic, ADHD, or just unfriendly people, but it helps to know I'm not the only one who isn't an expert at navigating office social circles. But if you need someone to fix your printer or monitor or something, I'm the guy (I'm not IT, I just know a lot and the one IT guy we have stays pretty busy, so I field the simpler calls).
not autistic as far as i know but i relate to this a lot
The issue is a bit more complex: When you asked me, I usually answer sincerely which means there's at least a few chunks of info the following conversation could build upon. That's the flow that feels more natural to me. Adding a "How about you?" at the end feels like shoehorning a formality in there and interrupting the "natural" flow. It also makes me feel kind of dishonest to add it anyway even though I feel like it's not fitting.
I avoid this whole issue by trying to ask first and ask follow up questions before they can add pleasantries.
Me_irl
This isn’t an autism thing, this is a terrible-with-people thing. People won’t think you’re rude, just awkward.