Court today sucked
5d 8h ago by lemmy.world/u/Impractical_Island in depression_now
I feel the need to talk. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm scared.
My court hearing was today. If our fathers were our models for God, that explains why I expected the hellish, scrutinous wrath of a beast beyond words. I am instead a part on an assembly line. This is perhaps scarier. I'm out hundreds of dollars now, minimum, and will most likely ALSO have to attend a buncha anger management classes.
Still God berated me when I went to soothe myself with $2.66 thing of Fireball. Well, God's berating actually stopped me from getting more. But then, in a new state of mind, God says I have to help people. I have to save someone like all the narcissists calling themselves Jesus or the Buddha or the Oracle of Delphi or what-have-you have done.
This is what I tell myself to avoid being a bottomless pit of infinite worthlessness. Narcissism is a generational curse; I'm this way because my father. Jesus wasn't good enough for his step-dad. Moses was abandoned. I feel the only way to save my soul is with the ultimate hail Mary to score a thousand points at once and win the game.
Monumentous pressure. Hurting n sad.
Synchronicities keeping me afloat; glad
That at least I can express myself there
Where more than my eyes will so stare!
I'm learning to be happy again you see?
Fuck I just need some light, I need to 'c'
Talked with my life partner. Feel better. Still not great. So many unanswered questions. I still feel heavy; I can't tell if he's manipulating me but I choose to trust him.
I was taken advantage of by a cult. I thought his mom was manipulating me. Really that's just a way humans are. It would take too long to explain. She says things subsystems of her want her to say and she's not fully conscious of how that is pseudo-manipulative in the sense that it isn't direct communication. Like, she tells me a story about how wearing a helmet protected her while biking to make me wear a helmet. It goes rather deep.
I dunno. I'm just kinda beat down. The police or my neighbors are harassing me, causing them to knock on my door at 2:30am, making me feel all this is hopeless cuz I'm gunna get fucked regardless. Gotta c. Only thing to do is c.