I probably should have specified in the post that I've never had a partner before...

The context, in short, is that I was raised in an environment with a degree of emotional neglect so totalizing that it led me to believe that wanting affection and emotional support was an obscure fetish, and that this so-called fetish was the reason I was a broken person who could never be loved. (That's why I've never tried to get into a relationship.)

Based on the replies I'm getting, I think it's safe to say that everything I believed was a lie, one that stemmed from the emotional deprivation chamber of my childhood.

I like the point you make about communication. I definitely plan on communicating my most important needs upfront if I start dating. In childhood, I learned to fear my needs and never voice them because they would never be met, but now, I think I know better.

This is something I worry about happening if I get into a relationship and is probably one of the biggest reasons why I've never been in one, second only to the fear of these desires being rejected.

I don't actually know what my behavior would be if I got into a relationship. I always just think, "What if it goes badly and I end up severely hurt?" That was always enough to deter me.

I feel way better than I did 2 years ago and I feel far less neurotic than I did just a few months ago, though. I can actually feel safe in some circumstances and I initiated a conversation with a stranger for the first time the other day, when I've been afraid to do so all my life.

I'm not sure that I can just get rid of my desire to be doted on and praised at least to some degree. But I'm hoping I can get to the point where I stop worrying about it so much.

I'm not angry at anyone except myself. I know that everyone in this thread is smarter than me because I was raised to be stupid and easy to control. The fact that I still live here 23 when I knew I was being abused since age 13 is proof of my incomprehensible levels of idiocy. My every instinct is telling me that leaving is more dangerous than staying. I'm going to therapy because I know those instincts are wrong and I don't know how to change them. I'm taking actions that are helping me gain a greater sense of agency and independence, but that process is frustratingly incremental. I'm stupid today, but I was even more stupid 2 weeks ago, and I will be less stupid 2 weeks from now. I hate that I'm like this. I hate that I can't just download the brains of anyone else in this thread so I don't have to wait for my brain cells to hurry the fuck up and rewire themselves into a usable configuration. But that's what I have to do. I have to push myself more and more to learn that I'm not as powerless as my abusers make it seem. I know this, but I need to feel it.

These people can't do shit to me. They had to lobotomize me to have any power over me because they don't have time to watch me 24/7. If I knew what I was doing, I could be gone without a trace in less than 24 hours. I just won't do it because I'm scared that my conditions make me unhireable and I won't be able to convince anyone to let me live with them. Both of these are untrue and I'm too dumb to see why. THAT'S why I'm going to therapy -- because once I realize I have that power, that's it.

Once I have a clearer mind, I'll be using the resources that everyone linked and look up more of them on my own. I'm going to find a way through this. I'll have to step outside of my comfort zone a lot, but it can be done. I'm going to stop asking strangers on the Internet to do all of the work for me and do it my damn self.

I've embarrassed myself a lot in this thread, but I can always improve, become less embarrassing, and slowly take off the clown makeup piece by piece. The people here are trying to tell me that I can do more than I'm doing now, and they're right. It just needs to get through to me. Maybe it takes more than just Lemmy threads. Maybe it takes a therapist, experiences of doing things on my own, and maybe a few friends. But it will happen.

I want to thank everyone for trying to help snap me out of it. It's going to take some work, but I know there's hope.

can’t tell if they’re genuinely looking for help or if they’re just stuck in a self-pity-I-need-a-savior loop.

It’s both. I’m genuinely looking for help on a tough situation, and I possess a weak learned helplessness mindset that causes me to give up too easily. The replies I get here are helpful, but at the end of the day, the biggest difference will be my own ability to change the way I think through a combination of self-reflection and therapy. Nobody can help me with that except for me.

It’s true that I live with violent and controlling people, but that doesn’t mean they can control me 24/7. It’s true that public services are being eroded, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any left. It’s true that modern society alienates us from one another, but that doesn’t mean people can’t care about me.

My abusers are incredibly stupid, weak, and short-sighted in a lot of ways, and it may well be that the reason I’ve been stuck is because I have also been stupid, weak, and short-sighted. My stated goal of therapy is to get rid of my fear-based mindset and start using my brain more, because fear is stopping me from being rational. That’s why my words and actions appear to be so contradictory: I’m in the process of recognizing my own agency and their weaknesses, but I keep snapping back to old patterns where they seem all-powerful and I feel helpless. It’s probably frustrating for the people reading.

How do any of the readers here know that my situation is as dire as I make it out to be? Could it be that my fear is painting a far worse picture than reality? If so, how can I possibly be a reliable narrator for what’s actually happening in my life? If things were truly hopeless, my abusers wouldn’t have to constantly tell me that all of my ideas are stupid and everything I try will fail.

I think if I ask any more questions on Lemmy, it should be while I’m in the process of getting out, not asking people to plan my entire escape. Like, asking for advice on step 23B after I’ve figured out and completed steps 1-22, instead of asking for steps 1-100 before I’ve done anything.

Could it be that this dynamic has prevented you from contacting those organisations who literally exist to help you?

Definitely. My mind has tried as hard as possible to convince itself that nobody in the real world cares about me or wants to help me. And therefore there are no social programs, public services, or mutual aid groups because Republicans nuked them all or something. Going to see a therapist IRL was the first time I challenged that core belief. It turns out that good people exist and they want to help me because I'm human. I'm going to need more exposure than that to rewire my bullshit gut instinct, which is why I'm pushing myself to go out to socialize and use public services. I think that the ability to ask for and accept help is key to getting out of here, so it's no wonder why my abusers aggressively push the idea that help doesn't exist.

This reply heavily deterred me from making it my go-to choice, and I haven't seen anyone refute it:

https://sh.itjust.works/post/52834885/23011371

The entire system of shelter and aid for the homeless and at risk and domestic abuse victims and all that, broadly, its completely collapsing right now.

Trump’s having FEMA build comcentration camps for the homeless, that’s the new ‘model’.

Realistic advice for this person would be to find some friend or extended family member they can stay with for a while, there’s almost 0 chance that any of the organizations listed out in the comprehensive top reply will do anything other than waste this person’s time with intake procedures and then not actually be able to help them meaningfully.

I'm not going to completely discount these resources, but I'm looking at relationships with other people for Plan A. I'm working on getting outside of my comfort zone and figuring out how to get to places on my own so I can meet new people and become half-decent at connecting with them.

Life at home is mostly cold dullness punctuated by sudden flashes of violence. Months can go by without anything happening. But something will happen eventually. Things are in a cold period right now and I've had more time to think. I'm doing therapy to help me feel empowered to take measured steps to leave (and create a good emergency plan, which will involve contacting the shelters).

I think you have a good point though: I'm sort of tunnel-visioning on this mandatory reporting thing when I should be focused on creating an emergency plan that I can feel confident about. That way, if what I fear does come to pass, I'll know exactly what to do instead of panicking. I'm falling back on old patterns where I waste my time worrying about bad things happening instead of taking actual steps to prepare for when they inevitably do. Thanks for calling that out.

I've been finding that trauma literally makes me stupid. It locks me into myopic fear-based thought patterns that don't actually help and just keep me trapped for longer. People here are probably going to get frustrated because they want to help, but they see me making stupid decisions or focusing on the wrong things. I think I need to listen to them even if they're mean about it, because the alternative is spiraling into the same logic that kept me complacent for years.

Unfortunately, I'm disabled, jobless, and have nobody to go to. I would have left long ago if it were so easy for me to leave.

I agree with the principle, but in practice, the violence of American capitalism is what keeps me trapped here more than anything. If I end up on the street as a result of these interventions, I will freeze to death because the system doesn't protect from homelessness. This kind of intervention would work great in a socialist society with guaranteed basic housing and sustenance, but that isn't the reality right now. The reality is a system that brutalizes the most vulnerable and leaves them to die.

I'm disabled; I have limited options for work and can't drive. It's not impossible, but it's far from trivial, and seeing the news makes it easy to get discouraged. Growing up in an environment like this also makes you expect everyone to be violent. It's a stupid, irrational feeling, but it is nonetheless paralyzing being afraid of violent criminals everywhere you go because you grew up with them. Therapy could help with the irrational feelings and free up my mind to solve the logistics of getting out and finding some kind of work despite all of my physical limitations.

One of the things that kept me stuck here for so long was the belief that most men were just as violent as my dad and brother were. I took men being physical as evidence that they would kill people who made them angry. Since Dad constantly threatened my life whenever I did something he didn't like, I assumed that men outside would just kill me since there aren't any family ties (which I thought was the only reason my dad spared me).

it sounds like you’re saying you have a kink, right?

Pretty much, but my kink is literally just being held and playfully overwhelmed with kisses. My brain would constantly tell me that I'd never be able to find a partner because the thing that turned me on was too childish and female-dominant. I started feeling better than I realized that I likely only felt so much shame about this because of my parents' contempt for giving comfort and affection, coloring the act as taboo.