TGIF
1y 1mon ago by leminal.space/u/Jhogenbaum in dankchristianmemes@lemmy.blahaj.zone from leminal.space
I mean not just a weekend, a HOLIDAY WEEKEND. He totally missed out on easter weekend.
He was back in time for the egg hunt. Wait a second, where was he when the Easter Bunny was here?!?
Fun fact. You’ve never seen Jesus and the Easter Bunny in the same room at the same time!
“J just like his Dad
E ever so just (like his Dad)
S specless (he never wore glasses)
U unable to swim
S sometimes I wonder if he was praying for the betraying kiss of Judas so as not to miss out on his Easter egg
C cut bread into very thin slices
H hippy aeroplane impressionist
R really easy to spot in a crowd on a Good Friday
I I wonder if he had a dog
S escapologist
T took him three days but he did it
- In the name of the Lord”
― John Hegley, Can I Come Down Now Dad?
Dude come on. He went to hell, freed some sinners, forgave everyone's original sin... It was a busy weekend.
Yeah, but he's got like three parts, one of which lost the keys, one of which had to die to find the keys for a gate that shouldn't have been locked in the first place, and the holy Ghost (I don't remember what that one does. Booo?)
And that's before you step back and wonder why an all-powerful, all-knowing, and (supposedly) all-loving god would create such a stupidly convoluted requirement to "save" the humanity that he created and put in the position in the first place.
Straight up nonsense. So many plot holes, it's not even a good story.
There's not even time travel or multiverse Jesus!
If you want my head cannon were a simulation God is a programmer and we're just his buggy code.
God had to step into the simulation to figure out why it was fucked.
After experiencing the code that is humanity he realized it was a code error he made then forgives humanity for all of the rules we broke that he had made that were unfeasible.
And it would make sense that an engineer would be really bad at writing a creative story without plot holes... This is why we need more well-rounded educations for STEM majors!
Mysterious ways, my friend, mysterious ways.
That's right. Jesus went to Hell and suffered for our sins.
Which is why we all have to do our part and commit sins. Otherwise, Jesus will have suffered for nothing. 😢
No problem on that front. Just being alive is a sin unless we get babtized by the church, or so it says.
Respectfully, that's a load of bullshit and not how that works.
I would strongly advise you to read. Matthew 19 to Matthew 22. Organized religion tends to have this thing where they add bullshit rules constantly to the the actual story.
https://www.bibleref.com/Matthew/19/Matthew-19-1.html
The direct quotes from Jesus himself, especially in Matthew 21. Paint a very different picture than organized religion would tell you.
In short it doesn't matter if you live a overly pious and spiritual life and constantly put on that image, in fact it's worthless. What matters is the acts and deeds you do. How you treat others.
NIV Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"
"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments."
"Which ones?" he inquired. Jesus replied, " ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony,
honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ "
"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"
Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Yeah, all of this was necessary too because... His dad set it up that way?
He is his own dad, because he did do the nasty in the pasty.
His dad was strict and vengeful. But Jesus only wanted to chill with his homies.
Wait, he went to hell? So canonically Jesus is a bad person? Which means the god is too? Yooo
I see, it's Christian fan fiction. Good for them!
The whole bible's fan fic, but I think this one also counts as canon
I heard there was a lot of heated disagreement in the fandom over the years about what counts as canon. Just like Star Wars fr
The bible is basically a combination of Star Wars (sand) & Game of Thrones (long family lines & rape)
The bible is fan fiction, choosing what suits them and denying what doesn't.
You know who stayed dead? Judas Iscariot. Apparently he's suffering in hell for eternity too, unlike Jesus who only had a bad weekend. Judas' story is infinitely more tragic, even if you assume he betrayed Jesus out of his own free will, but the gospels suggest he was just a pawn in some sick cosmic game.
Whoa there, God made that happen, no point in pinning it on Judas. It was all planned.
So unfair that Judas get all that heat from following someone else's plan. Then Satan gets the fame.
Maybe Judas was the Christ all along
Maybe the real Judas was the friends we made along the way
From now on, the only priest I'm listening to is Judas Priest
Depending on your exact Christian denomination your soul either get annihilated in a finite time or stays there forever. Choose your own adventure.
your soul either get annihilated
Yes please.
In the Gospel of Judas he is Christ's closest ally and understood he had to do his part to make everything happen.
“Oh shit. They killed the prophet. Now what?”
“We’ll say he came back to life!”
“Brilliant! But… uhh… then what do we say when people ask where he is?”
“Ohhhh. Uhhhh… he came back to life, but then he like ascended to heaven. Couldn’t stick around. Sorry, mate, he isn’t here.”
“Well, they’ve believed all of this other stupid shit up until this point, so let’s give it a try.”
"You were bad, so Jesus took a nap. Now god forgives you"
Huuuh? I need more wine for this crap...
Just ask the giant bunny that delivers unfertilized eggs from chickens in remembrance of this to explain it to you.
Upvoted for mentioning they're unfertilized. As someone who grew up working on farms, it always surprises me how many people think the eggs they buy in the store are all potential chickens.
People think we're eating chicken abortions but really we're eating chicken periods.
Who among us hasn't taken a day off work to come back and find that your coworkers ate the fruit you left in the communal fridge, and then subsequently condemned your coworkers and all of their descendants to eternal suffering, then felt bad later and changed your mind, pretending your son died for a couple days to drum up sympathy and distract from your overreaction?
The fruit wasn't just left in the fridge. You told your coworkers about it, and how eating it would literally allow you, for the first time, to tell the difference between good and evil. Implying that you could not have known whether eating it was the right or wrong thing to do in the first place.
Also, somehow it's a bad thing to eat it and learn that?
Yeah... But I don't wanna get nailed to a cross. Even if it is just for a day or two. That sounds no bueno.
I prefer getting nailed on a bed
Crucifixion was an exceptionally awful way to die. It could take days. The Roman soldiers were required to stay until the victim was dead, so sometimes they would stab them or build fires at the base of the cross to hurry the process along. The mere act of being crucified, even if you assumed the subject didn't stay dead, represents an incredible act of dedication.
I was raised Catholic. Part of what helped me overcome it in my late teens was the idea of Original Sin - that a God intelligent enough to create the whole universe would hold me responsible for something a guy did before I was even born, so I had this "stain" on my soul that prevented me from getting into Heaven. But then God spawned off a "son" (who was actually also Him, but anyway) and let the Romans execute him, sacrificing himself - to himself - so he would forgive me for something I didn't even do.
I mean, you don't even need a meme to see how ridiculous that scheme of things is.
Don't forget that that original sin was failing a test that the omniscient creator knew we would fail ahead of time because he knows all. So he put the tree in the garden only to have an excuse to kick us out of paradise.
It sounds like we went on similar religious (or rather not religious) journeys.
TBH I don't remember ever being taught that omniscient meant God knew the future. The word literally means "knowing everything" but my interpretation was that he knew the state of everything right now, and a wise planner.
My interpretation was that the future was included in "everything". I've forgotten a lot of my Sunday school classes, same with the Wednesday night classes, so my interpretation probably doesn't agree with doctrine.
Canonically, like, actual canon canonically, he didn't even give up his weekend. He went up to chill in Heaven for awhile, with a side trip to Limbo to rescue the Old Testament prophets and some other old dead guys. He didn't give up his weekend; he went on vacation.
He didn't go to Heaven but he did go to a sort-of limbo - Sheol/Hades. Kind of like a shoe closet but for souls.
So... he pulled a Metro Man?
He had a pretty killer Friday though to be fair
It was Good, not great.
Make Friday Great Again
It's like in anime when the characters use some "forbidden technique" that steals 10 years of their life span, then the anime ends with the character still growing old well enough.
"anime old" is like 150 years old or whatever, so 10 years off that don't change much...
Ok I’m confused how did he die the second time?
The bible just says he "was taken up into heaven", not saying how and suspiciously using passive voice. So aliens.
The demiurge took him
Ok cool so the aliens are going to drop him back off again and he’s going to take all these moron evangelical people with him back to the Death Star or whatever. I hope
He said he taught in parables (occulted information) so certain people wouldn't be "saved" (I assume because they were greedy and hateful that would pervert the information, as has been proven since, repeatedly, and misuse it to the ends of oppression in the service of greed; but this is after a few years reading/studying the Ethiopian Bible and related texts, such as Jewish encyclopedia among many other things), and stop taking everything so literally.
Wow, really sounds like the work of an all-loving god.
I guess all of those people who were genocided in his name in the OT didn't deserve to be "saved" either.
He did his part. Now it's our turns
He didn't. he's just lost. That's why everyone tries to find him
To be fair, it's not supposed to be Jesus's sacrifice in Christianity, but humanity's. Instead of having to sacrifice a chicken or a lamb for every occasion, God's physical presence on earth was sacrificed as payment for all sins forever.
But like the picture says he came back after 3 days so the whole thing was pointless. More pointless than the general pointlessness of a god making a human version of himself to kill to open the doors to a heaven or hell that he could have done at any time for any reason himself and also knew it was coming. It's seriously the dumbest story in the entire world
He came back for a few days, then left forever.
The "sacrifice" is that he didn't stick around forever.
Didn't gave up, he went home for the weekend and then back
He did kinda convict himself according to the Bible. I dread doing things that require social interaction even if I know they're good for myself and others, so I can imagine being crucified in front of his haters wasn't exactly something he looked forward to on a human level.
Why would an omniscient and omnipotent being need to volunteer for anything ?
Wait, do Christians actually understand this?
This meme is not even close to theologically accurate. It's just a meme.
God condescended to incarnate as a human in the person of Jesus Christ. Jesus lived on earth as a man and with all of our aches, pains and bodily functions. He was hated for his ministry because the new covenant opened the kingdom of God to gentiles around the world. He was killed by the Jews and entombed for three days. He descended into Hades to preach the gospel and rose on the third day before ascending into heaven to sit at the right hand of the father. He sanctified our fallen human nature by living a perfect life. God became man so that man might become God. Jesus Christ loves you and wants you to be saved. Get baptized and, although you will fail, try to live in accordance with his teachings.
Blessed Pascha. Christ is risen from the dead.
Romans pinned him up for being a nuisance, ya goof.
Remember kids the only people that ACTUALLY saw Jesus up close and personal, concluded he was a charlatan 😂
The Romans executed him at the behest of the Pharisees. (e.g. Pontius Pilate washing his hands and the Jews choosing Barrabus to be set free even though he was a known murderer)
roman authority handled Jesus the same they handled any other crucified person. The situation was considered like any other uprising and handled accordingly, not a conspiracy to target him. This is supported by the fact that roman documentation of the crucifixion is blasé.
Jews had their own judiciary (e.g. Sanhedrin) the Jewish leadership sought Jesus's crucifixion because they considered him a blasphemer for declaring himself as the Messiah equivalent with God, not keeping the laws of Moses, establishing a new covenant and keeping sinful company. The Romans had the Monopoly on violence because they ruled the area but the Jews managed their community. The Romans nailed Jesus to the cross but the Jewish leadership (specifically the Pharisees) put him there. I wouldn't expect it to seem out of the ordinary for the Romans outside of Pontius Pilate.
Sounds like the Roman’s did it bc they couldn’t be bothered with the civil unrest from another of the many cults in the region.