This is a super common and often unspoken phenomenon for fathers. It took me two years to feel emotionally attached to my first. Those two years sucked. It felt like all work, no reward. I powered through because love is a choice and I love my family. Slowly but surely, it happened. It happens for most of us. Especially as they start taking interests in the things we are interested in. You start seeing yourself in them - their looks and how they behave.

I am 99% sure you’ll end up loving your kids. I have three now. Just power through. You’re FAR from alone. Ask me if you have any questions.

Within the first three weeks, I ended up in the hospital from neglecting myself. The stress was insane. I didn't sleep more than a few hours.

So I learned two things. First, it does get better. Second, take care of yourself or you can't take care of the kid.

Also, stop doing chores. If it isn't necessary to live, it isn't necessary to do.

There's nothing wrong with not feeling some life changing experience when holding your child. Some people do, some don't and it is a bit overplayed by people.

Taking care of a baby is hard work and tiring. It can be overwhelming for first time parents and I recommend you talk with your wife about it and look into sharing the workload better so you can both get some time for yourselves, you could also ask your mother or other family members to help watch the kid so you and your wife can get a night out and relax. It will help a lot.

As for the other feelings I would honestly advise you to look into getting some professional help if possible. You can talk to your GP about it and they they can advise you on what to do or recommend you to specialized help.

But yea, hang in there, it gets better and as the kid grows they will be able to take care of themselves more and your workload will get lower. Though I have to warn you that if you build resentment for them they will pick it up at some point and they will be crushed. It shatters my heart to see kid suffer like that.

Just chiming in real quick, don't have much time to write, i'm a father of 2.

It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.

3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.

Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that's what we do, so let's do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on

You will bond with the kid later, not now. I think its pretty common for dads to connect much later. You didnt carry the kid so you have no connection yet.

Give it time but also stop doing all unnecessary work. You cant emotionally connect if you are always tired and you associate the kid only with screaming in the background.

One thing that I feel hasn't been addressed enough by the comments:

**Stay. The hell. Away. From. Social. Media. **

It is toxic, and will bring nothing but misery, jealousy, and insecurity.

We had ours late in life, so had the hindsight of having our circle of friends going through parenthood before us. You mentioned 'social' pressure, norms, expectations, etc. All of them are amplified 10x by social media, which presents an unrealistic, curated view of parenthood. Not to mention the 50 different 'advice' on what you 'should' do as a parent. (You should breastfeed or your baby will be a serial killer. No, just start with formula, it will make your life easier. No, you should give them organic goat milk to help them grow better).

We deleted all the apps just before the baby was born. It has now been a few years since we touched any of them (except FB Marketplace, because buying anything new is ridiculous. And, I guess, Lemmy). The only pictures you'll find of our little one is in our family chat group. The only advice we'll take are from the midwives and nurses that keep track of the baby's growth, and has a 24h hotline for us to ask literally anything.

People you know, including parents, will give unsolicited advice. Feel free to listen to them, but know that most of the time you can tell them off or ignore them. This is your baby. Your family.

And feel free to ignore this advice from a stranger on Lemmy 🙂

First, get some help. If your mom can come and just do something, anything then you'll have a moment to breathe.

The first three weeks are the absolute hardest. Its not that things get magically easier, just everyone involved levels up. It gets easier again at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and then their personality really starts to shine.

I felt something right away. Definitely peak experience. But I don't think it helped with the difficulty of the first three weeks. What did help is the in-laws coming for a couple of weeks after the first month.

By month three, sleep was still an issue, but things were much, much easier.

Get help. Get a meal train. Prioritize and let the less important things go.

I felt similarly to you, wasn't really naive about what was involved but when we got into it after the birth it was like a cold shower - I questioned what I got myself into and felt super negative about it all. Babies crying also just seems to have this awful effect of making my blood boil too - amplified by poor sleeping from getting up multiple times in the night. Had to learn where my limits are and when to take a break/lean on my wife. My wife wanted 3 originally, which turned into 2 after we realized what having a kid is like lol, 2 is still a lot in my opinion.

Suffice to say it was extremely unpleasant for a while. Eventually, the kid started to become more interactive and that helped me significantly at least. When you can get a smile or a laugh out of them helps a lot. Slowly gets better as I can have little conversations with them now. It takes a while for that stuff to start happening though unfortunately.

I empathize with your situation though, at the time it felt like all the thoughts and feelings I was having were wrong and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. It's frustrating when it feels like society is telling you you're supposed to feel a certain way when you don't. I wished my parents were more honest with me about what they were experiencing when they had me but I chalk that up to them honestly not remembering, so I swore I would do my best to remember how miserable it can get so I can be honest if my kids ever ask and they can make more informed decisions. I don't regret having kids, they do bring me a lot of joy and pride as they get older now, but I regret making the decision to have them so lightly is all.

For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.

We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.

The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).

So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).

Believe it or not, that's not an uncommon feeling. Evolutionary wise, there's no particular reason for the dad to bond with the baby. It's completely dependent on mum. What we get is often a spillover for the drive to get mum to bond.

I was lucky and had that bond kick in quite quickly, but it's ok if it doesn't. Likely it will kick in around 6 months, as the baby becomes more "interesting". Until then, be a good husband.

It's also worth noting that you are entering peak "emergency mode". Right now the baby is completely dependent on you. It hasn't settled down into a routine, and you are running low on sleep. They combine to utterly screw with your head.

The mentality that got me through that zone was this: mum looks after the baby, I look after mum. I made sure she had regular meals. That she had time for a shower. That she could have a coherent night sleep.

Something that might help is to sniff your baby's head. Babies put off powerful pheromones, designed to reinforce the bonds. Unfortunately, not everyone has active pheromone receptors. If you do though, that smell is like crack cocaine.

In short, you're doing well. Baby is safe and cared for, and you're doing your share of that work. Anything else is a bonus.

Not necessarily at 3 weeks, it is so intensely stressful at the start. Crying is designed to make you feel upset, that is what it evolved for, so that you would check on the baby.

I did feel love for the newborns, but they aren't fun or anything, they are just babies. You were the same at the start of your life.

Can your wife visit a lactation consultant? I remember my kids falling asleep nursing, is that not normal? They nurse, fall asleep, wake up and are happy for awhile, then cry, nurse, and fall asleep, that's the whole newborn cycle. I don't think that means they aren't getting enough, of the baby was that hungry he'd stay awake long enough to eat enough and remember, the milk in the first few moments has the most fat & calories.

Basically - I would not trust your feelings right now, while sleep deprived and stressed. You may enjoy the baby when it is more enjoyable. Like 2-3 years old is blistering cute, and then they are learning so much you can see it happening, and teenagers are fun and keep you aware of pop culture.

I don't remember my mom being, well, mom-ish, not very nice when we were little, we weren't neglected at all she was just never close with us. I asked her about it when I was grown and she said "I don't like kids." And I was like "WTF, you had so many kids!" And she said "Well, I like you all now, I knew you'd grow up, you don't have kids to have kids but to raise people.". And I guess she has a point. It's nicer to enjoy the ride, I did, but she didn't and we were ok.

Dad of a toddler with another on the way (mostly mentioning it because my experience with a newborn is relatively recent in memory). A lot to unpack here. First of all, breathe. It'll be okay.

While it certainly sounds like having a kid wasn't what you wanted and it probably wasn't the right decision, it's the one you made, so the focus now should be on how best to help you, your wife, and your child.

The good news is the absolute hardest part of raising a kid, especially your first, is the newborn stage. It gets a little bit easier with every week that passes. Sleep deprivation is a bitch and frankly, I wouldn't put too much stock in your emotions because in all likelihood, they are probably pretty out of wack right now. I remember inexplicably sobbing at 3 in the morning (while trying to get my son back to sleep) because I was so tired. It made no sense, but I was just exhausted.

As for the crying, it may not help you, but I find it helpful to recognize a baby crying for what it actually is: a communication tool. In fact, it's the one of the only communication tools a newborn has. When they cry, they are doing their job and telling you they have a need that needs to be met. So instead of getting irritated when they cry, you basically just run through a checklist of possible things they need, and try them out until you figure out what it is they needed. Fortunately the list of things they need at this stage are pretty simple: it's almost always food, sleep, or possibly a diaper (my son did not care one bit about dirty diapers though, heh). Sometimes it also might be something else like overstimulation. But it's never really inexplicable and you can learn their specific cues to more quickly narrow down what they need. You can also often prevent crying by paying attention to their non-verbal communication before they start crying: e.g, a baby will do things like rooting or sticking out their tongue when they are hungry well before they start crying for food, or get pinkness around their eyes when they are tired.

You absolutely should first and foremost try to get whatever help you can get from family and friends, if you can. It helps immensely to have a support system to lean on, even if it's something as simple as helping with cleaning or just giving you guys a break (especially important to make time for each other, too).

As for bonding, this is going to sound a bit odd, but it's really worth trying. Something they teach you in childbirth classes is that spending extended amounts of time doing skin to skin contact with your baby (so shirt off for you, diaper only for the baby) is really valuable for bonding (even for dads), and from personal experience I can say this is true. I did it a number of times in my son's first few weeks and it definitely made a difference. It's basically a chemical effect on you and your baby's brain chemistry and it is pretty powerful. It's also the same for mothers and babies and it's why hospitals will have mother and baby do immediate skin contact as soon as they are born. I think it really helps you appreciate what it is that you have now.

The other thing is that your relationship with your kid is something that grows with time, especially as they get older and more interactive. It takes a few months for them to start smiling and laughing at you, and honestly once they do (and you can make them laugh), it's a game changer. It's so much fun, and just gets more fun as they get older.

As for your wife, you may already know this, but she's likely experiencing post-partum depression. What she's feeling are real feelings, but likely not based on anything rational. Human brains are just weird little things. Massive hormonal changes really fucks with brain chemistry and makes a lot of new moms have really uncharacteristic mood and behavior. Her system has been flooded with all sorts of shit for the last 9 months and giving birth is where it all comes crashing down. It's not uncommon to prescribe anti-depressants temporarily to help new moms until things start to balance out again. Also, she should really get off TikTok/Instagram. That shit is toxic as fuck and WILL make you unhappy.

And, if it helps: there's so much garbage information out there for new parents and it's really fucking hard to figure out what's good advice or not. Here's the real deal about breastfeeding: it is by no means a requirement. Not even close. Yes, it has some benefits if you can do it, and it's worth trying. But it is massively, and I mean MASSIVELY overblown on the internet. Pumping is perfectly fine, and many mothers do it exclusively (my sister-in-law mostly did, in fact). Formula is also perfectly fine. And a baby falling asleep while eating is REALLY FUCKING NORMAL, especially after they are just born! That being said, it can be helpful to try to start a pattern of offering food as soon as they wake up, if you aren't already, since they'll be most alert then and more likely to get more milk that way.

Part of being a new parent is learning to tune all that stupid shit out and make decisions for your baby based solely on what your pediatrician says and your own judgement. Even your own parents' advice should be taken with a huge grain of salt, both because their experience is very out of date (AAP recommendations have changed a lot over the years) and they can't remember what it was actually like very well. It's something I wish I could go back and tell our past selves.

And props to her on the milk supply, that's no easy feat. Guard it well and try not to waste any of it, because overproduction is typically only temporary until her body adjusts to your baby's actual needs. Always try to restock what you use as much as possible. Oh, and keep an eye out for mastitis (clogged milk ducts that get infected). It's super easy to get in the initial period of overproduction, because the breasts are frequently fuller than the baby actually needs, and prolonged full breasts can clog easily. Mastitis can easily burn through your supply (it can make it so the baby can't easily get milk, and it takes time to clear up with antibiotics).

Anyway, hang in there. Newborns are the hardest and it does get a lot easier and more fun/rewarding.

I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).

I had similar feelings. There were a few times where I wasn't in a good place emotionally, so I made sure the screaming kid was safe, closed the door, and took five to calm down. Then I opened the door and did what I could to help the baby.

I didn't think I was a person who got angry/frustrated that easily, but yeah, a screaming kid can have that effect.

I have a 7 year old and can tell you your feelings are justified and not entirely unique. Father's have issues bonding and it takes time, at 3 weeks all the thing does is shit, eat, and sleep. Good on you for helping your wife with her post pardum and she continue to seek help with that. If it all begins to feel overwhelming, you should seek help too because men can also have post pardum, especially if the resentment builds and you begin having negative thoughts about neglecting the child.

All in all, the only thing I can really recommend is that you trudge through, lean on your wife a little more, she can probably take it, especially if you open up to her about your struggles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, but kids to begin to sleep better and have more of an emotional connection in the 3-6 month range.

Good luck.

I don't care for people in their larval stages either. I've never found babies cute and the sound of crying makes me angry, not sympathetic

What is fun though, is experiencing the world fresh through their eyes as they get older and develop the ability to communicate, and shifting some goals and focus to create great experiences for them

5 kids is fucking crazy though especially in the world today, Jesus

You're not alone.

I never liked humans aged 0-10, and could only kinda stand adolescents and young adults in small doses.

But I wanted adult children because I wanted the relationship that I had with my parents from my 20's onward. Many of the well adjusted adults I know had or have really close relationships with their supportive, loving parents, and it seems like a relationship that goes both ways, between the 30-something child and the 60-something parent.

So now I have kids. I still don't really care for other people's children, although I've softened my views and attitudes towards them. But I love my own children, and I'm very excited about how they're developing into actual humans with their own personalities who will one day be their own full fledged adults who I love and who love me.

I found the helpless infant stages to be simultaneously boring and stressful. It wasn't until they were eating food that I cooked for them (5-6 months in) that started to feel an emotional connection, and some kind of meaning in parenting. Then, when they started talking I became more emotionally invested in the relationship.

I'll tell you the part you don't want to hear: You compromised with your wife. Compromises suck. But they are better than no compromises. Having a child is the ultimate commitment.

Here's the good news: the hardest part is behind you. Tough it out for a bit more. Everyday will get just a bit easier. New borns are not very interactive, so it's kinda normal to not enjoy this part. Maybe you'll get more out of it when the child starts smiling at you, or talking to you, or taking an interest in your hobby. Maybe not.

Also, you could be suffering from baby blues. It's common, even at three weeks. Consider some support for yourself, not just your wife.

I'm with you dude. it does get better in many ways. it gets worse in some others.

my advice, get medicated for anxiety and/or depression.

it sounds like you're both going through a pretty rough time and need some time to breathe. lean on your support for some time alone with your wife to find your confidence together as a couple.

communicate your needs to each other clearly and respectfully. you both can't do it alone and will need to do this together.

• take each day at a time
• it's ok to put the baby down in the crib and step away for a minute if you're feeling overwhelmed
• share how you're feeling with your wife, you're a team after all
• you will fuck up, accept it, you're human and it comes with the territory
• don't try to be a "super dad/mom", they don't exist and anyone who says otherwise is lying

Disclaimer: I don't have kids. Feel free to ignore.

As far as I know, this is not that rare. Maybe you could go a more practical route. It's not obligatory to have lots of instincts kick in, but it is expected that you take care of the kid. It is however likely that after a while that you'll get some neat experiences with the kid. Funny episodes. After a while they might even turn into a good friend.

Anyway. Hats off to you. Good luck

I've always felt like living with the grandparents and uncles/aunts was a key component of making child-raising bearable. Two people isn't enough for one baby.

I think everyone has their own age group that they bond with the most. For me, I LOVE little puddle babies, so I had kind of an easy go of it. Changing the diaper and bottle feeding? Sick. Naps and tummy time? Fuckin sold. C'mere, kid, we're going to chill and play vidya. I think the best advice I can offer is that you'll generally find more of what you seek-- go fishing with magnets, don't be surprised to get metal instead of fish, etc. Try to make the best of it whenever you can, try to find the joy in it wherever possible, and try to play. Kids, even babies, will surprise you with the ways they can find to play, if you give them the chance.

As for the state of the world, my kids have motivated me to get into local politics to try and leave them a better world than what I inherited. And if all else fails, well, one can always re-evaluate their political strategy once their dependents are less dependent.

I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right?

Oh boy

I felt so bad when my first was born. I felt similar, the immediate jolt of love and connection wasn't exactly there. I was tired, practically starving myself, we could barely afford ourselves at the time let alone all the baby stuff. I started a new job about a week after he was born, working from home which meant I could take care of everyone but didn't really get to enjoy any of it. When my wife went back to work we would spend entire weekends together just us, from morning to night, he would scream, and I would cry.

3 years later that same baby, I'd rip my fucking skin off with rusty pliers if there was a chance of keeping him safe. He's my best friend, we spend all day together and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anything.

My second is 3 months old, but now I know. That immediate connection wasn't there but it's slowly growing. I fell like because I'm not worried about its been so much easier. I trucked through that rough patch and now he'll let me put him down without too much of a fight.

Just give it time and hopefully you'll get to feel that overwhelming love, it's worth it. Although I know a few people who got stuck on the lack of connection initially and never got over it, it's really sad.

Just keep at it, nothing your saying sounds too out of place to me. Keep an open line of communication with your partner. Tell her you're struggling while acknowledging you see her struggles too. Don't forget you're in it together, it's not a competition.

Good luck

No, babies suck the first year.

From what I read your wife suffers from depression, correct? From what I read between the lines, she already did before she got pregnant, correct?

And considering how experienced you seem with taking over and keeping everything together, that's probably what you have been doing for years already?

That's quite a common pattern, and it's one that can only remain stable for a certain amount of time. She's depending a lot on you, you pick up the slack and carry her burden. That works well without kids when the only responsibilities are to spend enough time at work, but it becomes very troublesome with a small kid, where the workload is too much even for two fully-functioning adults.

This can drive you in a kind of caregiver burnout. You go beyond your limits for too long, and after some time you just don't have the power to continue that way and smile through it. Depression spreads and good things diminish. That's at least what I read between your lines.

This is the point where you need to get help. Find a better distribution of work with your wife. Rope in relatives (your mom seems to be invested) and get them to help you out, especially in these crucial first few months.

Pumping milk means that the baby isn't necessarily tethered to your wife, so you can also get your mom to watch the kid for an evening or so, so that you two can get some rest.

Considering getting therapy yourself.

Try to recover before you burn out completely.

As for the feelings towards your child, don't force it, give it time.

Hey!

I saw your post on my mobile yesterday and it struck a chord. I saved the link so I could go home and type on my laptop and give my reply the time it deserves. I know I'm replying quite late, but I hope my perspective helps anyway.

First off, everything you're feeling is understandable. I don't know if I'd say it's "normal", but I empathize with everything you've written. I have a 2-year old daughter, and it's not been easy. But my most important takeaway from your post is that you're trying. You're doing everything you can to support your wife and kid, and that alone puts you in the "good dad" category.

Look, it's not going to be easy. Your 3-week old is essentially a lump in human form. All he knows to do at the moment is drink, sleep, and poop/pee. He doesn't recognize you, he doesn't love you, he doesn't reciprocate anything you do, and he doesn't acknowledge you except when you're feeing him. He can barely even see you (kids that age have eyes that haven't learnt to focus yet). And that's how it's going to be for the foreseeable future. Having a kid this age is mostly a chore (or a job, like you described). Try to think of it as an investment for the future. All the hard work you're doing now pays off in the future when you have a healthy, happy child who loves you and knows how to show it.

But for now, it's going to suck. Your wife is probably going to go through post-partum depression, she's going to have mental crises about being a terrible mother about something or the other. I don't know if it's because of hormone imbalance, stress, lack of sleep, and/or a combination of all these. You're the one who's going to have to be there for her at those times. Your baby will (hopefully not) develop colic, or there will come a day when he cries for no reason and nothing you do will stop him and you'll start thinking about taking him to the doctor/ER and in your desperation, you'll hold him in a new hold and he'll suddenly quieten down because he loves being held like that. Some days are going to be a rollercoaster of activity, frustration, joy, etc.

And as for love ... in the last 2 years, there hasn't been a single moment that's hit me like "I NOW LOVE MY KID AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER." I mean, I would die/kill for her, but that's just family.

BUT -- there have been moments. Like one time she half-woke from a nap, saw my face, broke into a smile, and went back to sleep. One other time when she was very young and she ran into my arms. One time she absolutely insisted that only dad would help her put her shoes on and not mom. These are small wins that build. The more interactive they get, the more your relationship with them grows, the more in love you'll be. It'll take time. I'm not there yet, even with my 2-year-old, but I know I'll get there. I know I love her, even if I don't "feel" it yet.

In the meantime, sorry ... tough it out.

The only other advice I can give you is to ask for help. If your mom or some other family member can come help you and your wife out, it gets a little easier. Even if it's only for a weekend or a week at a time. Just having someone else at home who can change a diaper, or even just watch the kid while you take a nap or play a videogame for some time, will help.

All the best, you got this, don't sell yourself short.

EDITED TO ADD:

Newborns fall asleep very quickly, even in the middle of a feeding session. We used to tickle the bottom of our baby's feet to keep her awake during feeding times, both at the breast and with the bottle.

Also, try to find someone you can talk to about the stress you're feeling (if you can't do it with your wife). Your mom or a best friend, or just internet strangers. Hopefully it'll help you through the toughest times.

At three months, my son started smiling. That's when it got way easier. The post partum spouse care can be so hard - especially when there are complications.

Do you have any family (parents, siblings, in laws) you can ask for help? We basically had live in help for the first two months, I don't know if I could have done it without them.

I'm a parent to a lot of kids and the only thing I'll say that hasn't been said already is that my experience is that you bottom out around 8 weeks in from exhaustion and broken sleep, then it's a slow uphill move from there as baby's sleep routines start to settle in and you find your own groove.

Don't worry about the bonding. It'll happen.

Good luck!

Struggling to find a connection is normal for a first-time dad. As I get bigger and they start taking on attributes you'll find there a reflection of you and that's really cool and it's really rewarding to see your energy that you put into a child bloom and grow.

The first few months kind of suck. No one likes being sleep deprived. And they don't do anything yet, so at best you have something kind of cute to look at, when it isn't screaming

I have kids, 3 of them, did not want any. It gets better! It's normal to not fall instantly in love with them, even for the mother. It's a new person in your life and require that you adapt and change a lot of things.

It's not clear from your post what is exactly going on with your wife but postpartum syndrome is a reel thing and may be affecting her.

If you need help reach out to family and friends if that's possible. Depending on where you are in the world you may be able to find local support for new families, or even dad support groups.

Bonding happens over time no worries. But do try to relax a little more. When all you have is stress you cannot possibly enjoy the experience. Also thinking of the kid as a little you makes sense.

I too dont have any kids but to me, this is a key point in a relationship. You not wanting kids and her wanting 5 maybe should have been a flag before having kids

That said, it is what it is, and you are in it now so get the best out of it

There are pris and cons to having kids. Try to focus on the good things

Others have said what I would have said better so I won't say much, but I didn't think upvotes were enough so I will say that there's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. You're not alone and things do get better, even if better ends up meaning something different than you were expecting.

As a fellow dad, the shit is hard. Very much social media make it hard, but there is a general misnomer that having kids is a bundle of joy. It's f'n hard, and no one tells you that. The first is especially hard as you have no reference. Like you when my children were born i did not have an immediate attachment. In fact it felt like a new responsibility/task. And like you i just went through the motions - to survive. But over time "bonding moments" will occur and the power of those moments, over time, will be more than you can imagine. And it may not be the big things like walking or talking but some little thing like him catching a fish, singing one of your songs with you or unintentionally using one of your phrases or mannerisms. Your story has some similarities to mine so a couple suggestions.

• if the baby isn't latching or feeding "normally" encourage your wife not to fight it. The idea that only breast feeding creates this unbreakable bond is horse shit. It's the dynamic you have over the next 25 years that matters. Pump, bottle feed, and take care of yourselves. Like others have said, and its the absolute truth, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him. There is a great book that all parents should read called "Kids Are Assholes", and infants are no different. Your son may be an asshole when it comes to feeding/eating. But he may be awesome in telling his mom he loves her every night.
• Mom's mental health is very important and very complicated. The chemical cocktail her body has been and is providing her is a real "doozy". Provide as much emotional support you can (without sapping yourself) and continue to encourage counseling. These people are experienced in this situation (its your first time through it) and they guide and listen.
• If there is one thing that I hope sticks with you and wish I had done for myself was to talk with a counselor. It is unbelievably helpful to have someone to get stuff off your chest. It's not your broken or can't handle it - its simply having someone to vent to and likely providing you some feedback / perspective that actually makes you feel better about the situation.

Parenting is f'n hard. But there are some rewards along the way that are irreplicable and make your life more fulfilling than it would be otherwise.

thanks for the heads up, gotta buy condoms bye

Just to chime in to add to the anecdotal stats. I really didn't feel anything with our firstborn until they were about 6 months old and started to develop a personality and was able to actually interact. I don't think I really felt a bond until like 9 months.

Maybe thats rare, but maybe not. I feel like most guys think they're supposed to feel something magical right away and just say that they do so they don't fell like an asshole explaining that they don't feel a connection right away.

Took me 3 months after birth to even start feeling different. I think men are slower than women with this.

Like everyone else has already said, perfectly normal for a Dad this early in the game and sadly for a Mum too. You will likely only see them as a crying poop machine at this age, sapping your life force away.

I guarantee that will change. How strongly and what to, I can't say but it will. Took me just over a year. Once they started walking, smiling, saying my name and then I really got into when I started taking days off to take them into town or to a park. Just seeing the smile and excitement on their face and hearing them saying thank you, the hardship was worth it!

Some advice though - I would be open with your wife. It's easy to try and suck it up and do everything to support her because she has had a baby and is struggling to, right? Sure, but it is a team effort. Have a chat about whether there is a happier medium that makes dealing with the hardships more equal. For example, we took it in 3 hour shifts at night to see to the babybfor a long time so the other could get some interrupted sleep.

Parenthood, especially early on, is a trial! It will be that way until they become and adult and move out. The trial changes everyday. If it isn't poop, it's mood swings as they get older or tantrums.

All I can say is, as they get older, go out of your way to make time for you and them to bond and just maybe it all feels worth it. It has for me, wouldn't have it any other way.

Antidepressants changed my life. Please ask a doctor for the form awe if your qualify

I can see you have already gotten a lot of good advice, but I'm still going to share my story

For a man, getting a child is boring as fuck the first half a year. That's just how it's. Most mom's essentially gets a head start on bonding with the kid by being pregnant. And its super normal not feeling anything, it just takes time. Just do your best getting as much skin-to-skin contact, I think it helps with the bonding. And its super important for the child, so win-win. If you do it mostly while they're sleeping, you can watch tv, look at your phone. And if you have one of those gaming chairs that recline all the way back, you can even play computer if you're into that.

Then we wanted another kid, and after like half a year my wife got pregnant again, and we're where super glad. But I think a couple of months before the kid came out, I got postpartum depression. And I fucking hated my own kid, I could not stand her. And wanted nothing to do with her. I half remember not wanting anything to do with the baby, but honestly everything is a haze from that period.

In the end, I think after half a year, my wife gave me a ultimatum, either I seek professional help or we breakup and I leave for good. And that was the kicker for me half realising I needed help. Lucky at the time, I was 24 years old. And therapy is free when you're under 25, as we had no money.

I think I went to therapy for a couple of months, and luckily I was slowly getting better.

Now it's about 3 years later, I don't have an inch of depression anymore, and I love my kids more than anything.

Last month we just got our third kid, a now it's way easier bonding with her, because I already know what it entails. But it's still true, it's boring as fuck, she just lays there, and don't do much of anything.

But every month something new happens, and it's gets just a little better.

My other kids are now 3 and 5, and they're the most fun I have ever had with them. I pretend to be s monster and I chase them around, and they running and screaming for their life, while laughing their ass of! it's honestly one of the best feeling and I love it.

But I won't pretend everything is good. We still have to raise them, and it's still hard work everyday! And a lot of time, it's not fun getting angry at your kids, because they straight up just don't listen to you.

All I wanted to say, at first, it just seems like ekstra work and it's! But over the next couple years, when they start becoming an actual human, and you can start playing with them. That's when all the work starts paying off. And Luckily time goes fast when you get kids, almost too fast. And now my oldest is starting school next year, and I already feel like I'm not ready for her to grow up that much!

It will definitely get better, it just takes time, and everything you're feeling, is valid and normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

And please just ask if you would like to know anything, or want me to elaborate, if I have explained something badly. I wrote everything on mobile, so sry for formatting or spelling mistakes.

I feel bad about saying this, and this is more for other people, but don't let other people's expectations push you into having kids. If your partner wanted five kids and you didn't even know if you wanted one, you were incompatible and you should have ended things once you discussed this like responsible adults. Instead you brought someone else into the world who may suffer just so you could try it out.

I'm not saying this to say you're a bad person. Honestly, this wouldn't happen to a bad person probably. You're a good person who let expectations push you into a position you didn't belong.

As others say, you may end up bonding with them later, and that will be great. They won't be a baby forever, and also you're really tired and probably grumpy right now. That's all fair. I hope for your kid that things work out, but for anyone else reading this, if you don't agree on children with your partner, it's time to find someone else. That's a fundamental thing that needs to be the same. It's like if you want to be monogamous but your partner doesn't. That's just not going to work. There are some things that you just need to share or break up. It doesn't make you bad for doing so. Also, yes, it'll hurt and suck, but it's the responsible thing to do.

I didn't have much connection with my kids when they were young. I mean... babies are not very interactive.

Basically every year got better as they turned into awesome people. The youngest is a few years from leaving, and every moment I have with him is a treasure.

It gets easier. The first 3 months are absolutely terrible.

Y’all both got a lot going on, and yes, should have worked on it before kids, but here y’all are.

1. When we had our first kid (12 now), I really struggled with the emotional connection piece for weeks. It’s common. I don’t think I had a strong emotional connection until she was like 2 or something. I had bad anger issues, dealing with my own depression & BS. But, she’s 12 now.
2. With our second, the emotions for her came faster. I was in less stress, more established career wise, but my wife struggled more with postpartum. She never struggled with depression and finally found herself going through feelings of inadequacy & feeling like a failure. She got on meds, made a big difference, and it eventually worked out with her getting off of them.
3. Our third kid was significantly easier for both of us. We had different struggles, but it wasn’t kid related.

I know where you are mentally. You need to find a healthy outlet for the resentment and then come back to what you have now, someone dependent on you.

You can/could be a deadbeat or absent, but you may be a better parent for a different age. My wife was great with little ones (0-2). I did much better with toddlers and young kids (3-8). We’re both getting used to tweens.

I know it might be a financial strain, but you should both seek therapy. This isn’t a pejorative (as is “You’re so messed up!”), but therapy can help significantly, especially your partner. She may want to consider a psych.

Good luck. For me, the first few weeks were the worst. No sleep, just doing shit on auto-pilot like “why the f*ck did we do this…?” But my kids have brought incredible joy in my life. I wouldn’t want them to disappear now, no matter how much work it is some days.

Hate to put it this way but my read is in ten years you and that kid are going to be pretty close and I kind of doubt you'll still be with your SO.

Kind-of-not-caring-that-much is a pretty normal dad thing like others have stated. You show up, you be yourself, you do what you gotta do, there's no single "clouds open up and your entire brain floods with dopamine and seratonin while angels sing YOU'RE A DAD YOU'RE A DAD" moment.

But the fact that you can just be kind of normal turns out the be one of the things your kid likes about you. They start following you around or spending time with you to get some time away from Mom. They bring you little problems and you get to teach them things about the world.

And then you blink and they're a teenager and suddenly they're too cool to say "I love you Daddy" anymore and you aren't prepared for how much that hurts.

So anyway that's how it happens. Btw for what it's worth, I don't think it was just tiktok brainrot that gave your SO rose colored glasses about parenthood: evolutionary biology has its own ways to compel women to want to have babies just like it has its own ways to compel men to go along with it. That's... why we're all here.

I didn't feel that bad, but certainly when my kid could talk and understand things got a lot nicer. You could understand specifically what the kid wants and the kid can learn some patience and half more fun in a way that's vaguely fun for the parents too.

You might want to talk to a mental health professional as well, but I'd not be too worried about not enjoying being around a 3 week old.

Oh also, at least for me, from about 2 years old all the effort was well worth it. Happiest times of my life. Cherish the time before they start asserting independence as a teenager. Still good times for me, but certainly different ..

Dad of two boys here. My wife and I luckily had kids when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. When I look back on it now, I don't think I could ever do the grind we did when they were babies. I remember showing up at work one day and I had only shaved the right half of my face because I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I would take turns getting up at night to feed our sons. At one point at like 3am I was burping my son on my shoulder and he threw up all over my back.

This might sound like doom and gloom, but trust me, it gets better. Your kiddo will blow your mind when you least expect it. They'll say and do things that will catch you completely off guard and it'll stick with you for the rest of your life. The first 6 months are going to be rough, but it gets better. Hang in there.

First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.

You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.

The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.

You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.

The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.

You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?

You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.

Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!

If somebody doesn't want kids, they should never let anyone talk them into it.

I don't want kids and I always get weird looks from family and friends but I don't care.

Situation in the world is terrible and on top of that I know that I wouldn't be a good parent.

I didn't want kids. Shit happened. It took about 18 months for me to feel anything for my kid. Those 18 months were a war against sleep deprivation and time deprivation. The wife left a year or two later. Left my kid with me. Single dad shit for the next, well, going on 25 years now. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I'm still sick with guilt bringing a kid into this fucked up world, but I love my kid.

This doesn't help you, but I also got a vasectomy about 6 months after he was born. I should have done it earlier. My advice to anyone is, don't have fucking kids. Get a vasectomy ASAP and live your life. Unless you come from big time old money, or get incredibly lucky, kids just add incredible stress and money drain for a minimum of a couple of decades.

I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game.

You will love your kid, don't worry about that. Maybe you already do. There is no ah-ha moment, so it's hard to tell. It's not the same feeling as loving a significant other or a parent. It's something else entirely and you've never experienced it before, you probably don't realize you have it. My wife was the same way, took her a bit, but she loves it now.

You are killing it in the effort game. You've done an amazing job so far. Frankly, if what you say is true, you're making most of us look pretty bad, myself included. Be proud. Also get your mom to help. From an evolutionary perspective, that's what grandmas are for, so don't feel bad asking for help.

I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.

First, you're exactly the type of person who should be having a kid. So many intelligent, good, empathetic, introspective people choose not to have kids because of the reasons you listed, but let's be honest, they're scared little bitches. You're not one of them anymore. You have a living, breathing stake in the future and you have your shit together because you had a kid on purpose. Could your shit be more together? Perhaps. Does it need to be? No. Your shit is good enough. People in worse situations have kids and it works out.

If you and people like you didn't have kids, then the only people having kids would be... bad. It would be bad and we can't have that. So thank you, there will now likely be another good, intelligent, empathetic, and introspective person to take your place someday.

Second, I don't know what it means to be happy either but I don't care. I think that makes me happy in some way. But who knows, all I know is I'm not sad, and that's good enough for me.

Third, you'll be able to do the things you want to do. Things are a bit busy at the moment but as others have said it'll get easier. Your wife will continue to recover (but beware post partium depression) and your kid will get more and more capable. It happens fast.

Lastly, ask yourself why the crying bothers you so much? If it's just the volume, then wear ear protection. That helped me. If it's not the volume, then what is it?

OP, you're a good dad and husband. Keep trying and stay strong. I don't know if I could do what you are doing, and I don't have any advice to give, but just know I'm rooting for you over here. Nothing stays the same forever - one thing I do hear from people is that you blink and the kid is grown and you wonder where all the time went. I can't say for sure if that will happen, but this lifestyle change is temporary, at the very least, and you'll be feeling more normal as time goes on. Maybe once your son is more grown, there will be an opportunity to bond with him on a level you can't reach while he's an infant? Anyway, good luck!

I guess the best thing to do would be to publish your experiences to other people. You're in this now, but you can prevent others from making the same choices if you inform them about what it entails. That will make you feel better because you're contributing sth to the world. :)

It is weird, but one of the fulfilling things about being a parent for me was a sense of purpose. There is a lot to do and objectively good and bad outcomes. In some sense, part of my affection comes from singularity of purpose.

It gets better, I really didn't connect with my oldest until he was almost 9 months. It's tough now with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with a newborn.

I feel like things get much better once your kid is potty trained. At that point you no longer have to deal with poop and your kid is old enough to be more fun/human.

Also don't have kids, but some real red flag energy coming from the other side of this relationship.

Wants 5x the responsibility they can't handle now while also letting you wing it/handle all of this like a godamn champion? Pass.

No, men don't even like their babies for the first three months. Mothers have already had 9 months to bond with the baby.

The number one piece of advice a number of dads have given me is: if you don't want kids, don't have kids. I would add to this: if you don't feel ready for kids, don't have kids. And your situation is exactly why this advice applies.

I recommend leaning on your social networks for help with childcare. Your mom likes the baby? Great! She can take care of them 2 nights per week while you catch up on everything and find some sanity.

Your wife forced you to have a baby. Force her to seek more help. Recruit her friends and family if you need to. She wanted this, but you are doing all the work. She needs to get her shit together so she can help out.

Sorry dude, but you've basically blown up your life for the next decade. If you don't really like the kid by then, probably the best case is to get a divorce and bounce. Pay child support. Take the kid in a cool trip once per year. Then you can live the life you want, and the kid won't go through puberty with a dad who resents them around all the time.

There are too many things wrong in this entire situation.

If you did not want children, you should not had let your partner pressure you into it. And that 5 figure she wanted tells me she was indoctrinated to be a brood mare, not an independent woman.

Have you tried your best? Are you still trying? Yes. But I risk things will only get worst in the future between you and your partner. Respect was broken; that is the worst that can happen in a relationship.

Regarding the child - and I am going to be cold and cruel here: man up.

That child did not ask to be conceived and born. Their entire world is you - again, because regardless your state of mind, you seem a lot more involved than the mother - and even though the connection isn't there, consider it a duty towards a completely defenceless human being. I'm not telling you to love them but to protect and care for them as if you were in their situation: show kindness and respect.

Which you seem to be showing and makes you a bigger human being.

There is no magic solution for this situation. Sincerely speaking, it wasn't the right time for that child to be born, if ever, but they're here now. Find a solution as adults.

I wish I could spare some face to face time to hear you out and give some real support but I fear we live in too far away parts of the world for that to happen.

Be brave and be honest, just like you've been doing and done here.

my dude! It's just been 3 weeks! You easily have another 6 months or more of bad sleep. But seriously, did you have mental problems before the kid because it sounds you have some problems.

Also, for real, your wife is doing all the really heavy lifting here. She just had a kid. Her body is still a trauma zone! She possibly has post partum which is a very serious condition.

Chill. It gets much better after the first 9 months to a year. Once they start sleeping all night and stop nursing.

Step up. Get your sh1t together and push through the next year. Stop being a selfish spoil ass facker

Probably also should wonder if the child will enjoy any part of its life. Being born is a consentless act.

You should not have had the kid, because you weren't 100% invested in it

But, it's too late now

You put your big-boy pants on, and you work. You don't ever let the kid know that you fucked-up

This is your burden to bear. Be a man and get on with it, and give that kid the best life you can

And for fuck's sake, have a vasectomy right now so that you don't have a bandaid to try to unfuck this situation and make it worse