How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all the beer on your fishing trip?

Invite another Mormon.

(My family is Mormon and they also think this joke is hilarious)

Have you ever noticed how all the vampire lore is based around Europe, but never in Africa?

It's because they bless the rains down in Africa.

The last one i learned:

What does a Dutch man do when his team wins the Soccer World Cup?

He saves and switches off his PlayStation.

This is the story of Trevor

Trevor was born in a farmer family. His family had been farmers for at least 4 generations. In Trevor's first birthday, his dad gave him a toy tractor, hoping he'd carry on the family tradition. Trevor loved this tractor. He had other toys of course, some cars, some planes, but all of the others combined didn't get played with nearly as much as the tractor. So, for his third birthday, Trevor's dad got him a rideable plastic tractor. A new favorite toy was found.

Things went on much the same. Trevor helped out on the farm when he wasn't busy with school. He ended up showing quite a gifting as a mechanic, probably because of his lifelong and ever increasing obsession with tractors. His father didn't miss this obsession, and for Trevor's 18th birthday, after scraping money together for over a year, he got Trevor a second hand tractor. It was the best day of Trevor's life so far.

After that, Trevor started taking over a lot of the jobs around the farm. His tractor, despite its age, managed to hold its own compared to some newer, fancier factors. All was well, until one day, when he met a girl. This girl, Trevette, was perfect. Beautiful, kind, smart, and a perfect mesh with him. They hit it off immediately, and eventually Trevor worked up the courage to officially ask her out. It went well until he invited her back to his farm. Then she saw all the evidence of his tractor obsession.

"Trevor, this probably isn't healthy"

"What isn't?"

"All this tractor stuff. It's too much"

It took a lot of persuading. It even took an ultimatum. Trevor had to choose between Trevette or his tractors. Eventually, he chose Trevette. He kept his real tractors, because he needed them for his job, but everything else - the tractor sheets, the tractor toys, the tractor wallpaper - it all had to go. He eventually got over his loss, and asked Trevette to marry him

It was a beautiful wedding. And not a tractor in sight, causing much less sadness in Trevor than anyone who grew up with him would have expected. Everything was going perfectly, until the cake was meant to come out. Then suddenly smoke came pouring out of the kitchen. It quickly filled the whole room, setting off all the alarms and nearly choking everyone in the room. Then Trevor stood up, took a deep breath in, pulling all the smoke out of the air. He then walked to the front door, kicked it open, then blew all the smoke into the night air. Everyone was shocked. Trevette asked "Trevor, how did you do that?"

"Well," he said. "I'm an ex tractor fan"

(raunchy humor)

• Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle?
• A: They paint their balls red and climb into cherry trees.
• Q: What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?
• A: Giraffes eating cherries.

:::

A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.

The guy says, "I always thought it was three wishes."

The genie says, "Check your pants."

The guy looks down and says, "Woah, it's huge!"

Genie says, "I've been doing this for a long time."

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It shouts "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. He was getting a lot of funny looks over his attire, but finally the bartender breaks the ice.

"Sir, what's with the wheel sticking out of your pants?"

"Aargh, it's been drivin' me nuts!"

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door of a farm and a small boy opens the door.

“Hi kid, is your father at home?”

“No, he’s in the hospital”

“I’m so sorry, what happened?”

“He got run over by a tractor”

“That’s terrible! Is your mom at home then?”

“No, she’s also in the hospital.”

“What happened to her?”

“Got run over by a tractor as well”

“Then who’s looking after you?”

“Well, my aunt and uncle did until they got run over by a tractor”

“How horrible, so you are here all alone?”

“Yes. Everyone’s been run over by a tractor”

“So what do you do here all day all by yourself?”

“Not much, just riding around on a tractor”

A woman is deep in the throes of labor, bringing her first child into the world. “Push, push,” the doctor tells her as the baby’s head appears. “One more big one,” he exclaims; she cries out and obliges.

The doctor gently cradles the new arrival, moves to hand it to the mother, her tears of pain turning to tears of joy as she reaches for her baby. But suddenly, the doctor grasps it by the ankles and begins to bash it against the end table.

The mother screams, begs him to stop as he punches it, bites it, slams it against a wall. But her cries are ignored while he tosses around like a dog with a rat. Exhausted he finally hands it to her.

“I’m just foolin’. It was already dead.”

Many years ago when I did stand-up I tried to come up with a better take on the “dead baby joke”. The foundation isn’t mine, but the delivery was. It was one of my best bits and I get that it’s not funny in the classic sense but in the “Jesus Fucking Christ!” sense.

This Twonks two panel is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen. Anyone I show it to cracks up. He is a genius.

I have a joke about piping to /dev/null, but you wouldn't get it.

A guy wakes up one morning and hears a voice inside his head. It says, "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!" He shrugs it off, but pretty soon he hears it again. "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!" He keeps trying to ignore the voice, but the more he tries the more he hears it. Pretty soon he's hearing it constantly - "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!"

Finally he can't stand it. he decides to believe the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, puts all his money in a suitcase and flies to Las Vegas. The moment he steps off the plane the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace!" He takes a cab to Caesar's Palace. The voice says, "Go to the roulette wheel!" He makes his way back to the roulette wheel. The voice says, "Bet it all on Red twenty-three!" He bets every cen he has on Red twenty-three.

The wheel spins around, and it stops on Black eleven. The voice says, "Fuck."

Did you hear about the drummer who had twin daughters? He named them anna 1 anna 2.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn't very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?

On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.

After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moshe, "He says to me, 'You Jews have three days to leave.' So I said: 'One!'" Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews ... we stay right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.

A guy and his wife went to marriage therapy..

Therapist: Your wife says you don't pay attention to what's going on in her life and you're not romantic, for example, you never buy her flowers.

Husband: Gosh, I guess that's true. I mean.. I didn't even know she sold flowers.

A mild mannered working man one day hears a voice in his head whispering, "Give up everything and go to the casino!"
. The man is a little freaked out, but he puts it down to stress and ignores it. But the voice is there every day, day in and day out, not giving him a moments peace, whispering in his head, "Sell everything you own and go to the casino!"
.
This goes on for weeks, months. "Take all your money to the casino...it is your destiny!" Finally he can't take it any more, it's driving him mad. He can't sleep, he can't eat, he can't concentrate on anything. So he gives in and sells his house, his car, his worldly possessions, everything, and takes the money to the local casino. He bursts in the door like a wild man and yells out, "OK! I'm here! Now what ?!"
.
The voice whispers, "take all your money to the roulette table and bet on 15 black." The man shouts back, "Why should I ?!" The voice responds, "Do this, and you will have your answers!"
.
Weaving and stumbling, he stalks over to the roulette table and puts a bet down, all his money on earth, on 15 black. The ball drops, the roulette wheel spins, around and around it goes. The man watches it with feverish intensity, around and around, until finally the ball stops on...2 red.
.
The voice in his head whispers, ".....fuck!"

A preacher tells his congregation that next Sunday he will be doing a sermon about the sin of lying. In preparation, he asks them to read Mark 17.

The next Sunday, he asks them to raise their hand if they read Mark 17. Everybody raises their hands.

The preacher says "that's funny because there is no Mark 17, Mark only has 16 chapters. Now on to my sermon about the sin of lying"

Q: How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

A: One will see you later, and the other in a while.

Where does the king keep his armies?

in his sleevies!

"How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?" "Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold my mother...I MEAN THE LADDER!!".

1. What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint!

2. Two muffins are in an oven. One looks at the other one and says "Is it hot in here to you?" and the other one looks back and says "AAAH! A talking muffin!"

One winter morning, Trump wakes up to a fresh snowfall in front of the White House, but is outraged that "FUCK YOU TRUMP" is written in yellow in the fresh snow. He orders every law enforcement and intelligence agency to investigate, and uncover the culprit, and by the end of the day, Ka$h Patel was in his office with an answer.

"Sir," he said, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid we have bad news, and even worse news. First, the bad news is that we know who is responsible for this atrocity."

"Well, that's not bad news, that's GOOD news! Who was it?"

"Mr. President, our analysis of the urine, indicates conclusively that it was JDVance."

"JD? My little buddy? That IS bad news."

"And it gets worse, Sir."

"How could it get worse than my own VP turning on me like that?"

"Well, sir, we did an analysis of the handwriting, and determined conclusively that it was Melania's."

I've been telling this since the Reagan Administration.

Over 100 years old, my grandfather would slip snippets of it into casual conversation making my grandmother slap him and go "STOOOP!"

'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.

A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.

At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.

Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.

Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.

The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.

On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.

On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.

Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.

Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.

Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.

This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.

When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!"

Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.

Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.

Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.

Why did the old lady fall into the well?

She couldn't see that well.

Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies?

He was hung like this: Spread your arms out as if on a cross

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

Pretty much anything to get a groan or chuckle out of my wife.

One time while cutting up an avocado I remarked that they need better prizes, because I always get the same one- a little wooden ball.

That was of course good for a groan, but it would not be the end of it. I tend to do most of our cooking, and since our kitchen is kind of small my wife is usually in the living room while I am and can't really see what I'm doing

So now whenever I'm cutting up an avocado I let out a groan of disappointment. And since my wife is a loving, caring sort of person she always asks "what's the matter?"

To which I reply with an exasperated "Another little wooden ball"

Going on 10 years, and she falls for in any time.

--

This isn't one I think particularly much of, I wasn't even particularly trying to be funny, but my wife got quite a chuckle out of it, so it ranks. I was doing dishes, while she was again in the other room, I think on the phone with her mother.

I go to grab a spoon to clean from the rather large pile in the sink, which set off a bit of a chain reaction of dishes and pots shifting around and making a bit of a racket.

I paused for moment, and just kind of commented out loud to myself "huh, so that was a load-bearing spoon"

And apparently something about that delivery made my wife crack up.

--

Another time I was dead tired and crashed early, and was apparently not very willing to share the blankets or pillows or something when my wife came to join me.

Being more asleep than awake, I mumbled that she could pry them from my cold dead hands WHen she tried to get me to give some bedding up for her use.

Unfortunately for me, my wife is one of those people who is always somehow cold, and so she just applied her icy hands to my body, causing me to exclaim "AAH, COLD DEAD HANDS!"

--

I once showed her a picture of a snake I saw when I was out for a hike. She asked me how big it was, I told her about 2 feet

Which I also told her is 2 more than most snakes have.

--

I pointed out some geese, and asked if she knows how geese fly in a V-formation, which of course she did. Then I asked if she knew why sometimes one side of the V was longer than the other, she did not

I informed her that it's because that side has more geese.

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog vendor and says make me one with everything.

Edit: The Dalai Lama pays for the hot dog with a $20 bill, but the vendor doesn't give him any money back. The Lama asks for his change. The vendor says change must come from within.

All of these jokes reminds me of the joke about jokes.

You see, back in the vaudeville days, social clubs were popular. Secret societies, fraternal orders, et cetera. So all these comedians got together and created the National Order of Comedians, Clowns and Jokesters. Every year they would have a national conference, and each member would get up on stage and tell a joke. See the comments here if you want to relive the experience.

As the years passed, since all the members were extremely professional and took humor seriously, and with the NOCCJ taking in new members, they decided to save time and just tell the punchlines. So a comedian would go on stage, say something like "wrecked him? Damn near killed him!" And everyone would chuckle, and then pass the mic to the next person.

Well more years passed and they got even more members, the NOCCJ was huge. So to save even more time, they made The List. All the jokes were on the list, and each joke got a number. So a comedian would get up on stage, say something like "57", everyone would politely clap, and then pass the mic and keep going.

Last year though, something happened. I was, of course, there, sitting in the crowd, and things were going on as they have been for years. "34" clap clap. "876" clap clap. "358" clap clap. "277" clap clap.

Then someone, I couldn't tell you who, got on stage and said "478".

From the back, this old man starts laughing. He's got tears streaming down his face, he's roaring with laughter, falling out of his chair. He's laughing so hard people are worried he's going to have a heart attack! So we rush back to him to see if he's all right.

We got to him and pull him off of the floor, and someone asks him "what's going on? Are you ok??"

Panting, still crying from laughter and wheezing, he yells out... "I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE!"

One of my favorite classic one:
-What is red, makes a rumbling noise, and is hard to swallow?
-A tractor.

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man.

How is toilet paper like the Starship Enterprise?

It circles Uranus looking for klingons.

"Mother Superior, we've discovered a case of syphilis!"

"Oh wonderful! I was getting tired of the Chablis..."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

What’s the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton isn’t going to let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

Seriously, though, it’s really bad taste to make jokes about Clapton’s son, since he was a very prolific writer. Not many people know this, but he did nearly 50 stories before his death.

One of my old gristly boomer Uber passengers told me one recently that got a chuckle.

Husband says to wife that he discovered this great and natural way to make your cleavage bigger. She excitedly asked for the information. He says all you gotta do is rub some toilet paper down the middle a couple of times a day.

She was confused, but decided there'd be no harm in trying. After a couple weeks, she gets impatient and complains to her husband "I've been doing this for weeks, and there hasn't been any growth!" He replies with "It's not working? Damn, worked on your ass."

Poop jokes. Okay, well... They're not actually my very favorite. But they're number 2!

What is not my absolute favorite joke. He tries really hard when he plays.

What's on second, Who's on first, and I Don't Know's on third.

Three engineers are debating which discipline of engineering God used when making the human body. The electrical engineer says God's obviously an electrical engineer, cos the nervous system and the neurons moving around the body are wired like an electrical system.

The mechanical engineer stops him, God is obviously a mechanical engineer, look at the muscle and bones and the ways they interact and move with one another, it's just like a mechanical system.

The civil engineer smiles and jumps in, God is obviously a civil engineer; who else would run a waste pipe through a recreation centre?

Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend, inside it's too dark to read

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba-dum tish

The Norm MacDonald moth joke.

Translated:
What's the difference between a duck? Both legs are the same length, especially the left one.

43758.5453 is my favorite number. I picked it at random.

Tap for spoiler

43758.5453 is used in a lot in pseudo random number generators

My printer died under suspicious circumstances. Epson didn't kill itself.

Edit: It's not actually my favorite but it's all that came to mind.

Hi, I like dogs, do you have one?

I used to.

What happened?

I spilled spot remover on him, and he disappeared.

Yes I know and credit the talent of the author.

WARNING: This joke is not clean.

A couple were at a party when they confided in some friends that they were having problems in the bedroom. Their friends admitted they too had problems there but were cured by a fantastic doctor and made the recommendation.

The couple went to this doctor. He did a very thorough physical examination and told them he thought he could help them. He said, "Step one is, on the way home, stop in a grocery store and buy a box of donuts and a bag of cherries." Then to the woman he said, "place a donut on your husband's penis and slowly eat it off to get the spark back in your love-making." Then to the man he said, "Place some cherries inside your wife and do the same thing. Enjoy." So they did this and over time the excitement returned to the bedroom.

Later they met another couple with the same problem and recommended the doctor. So they went to the doctor, he did a thorough physical examination and said, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." The couple was very distraught and didn't know what to do. So they begged the doctor to help them. Eventually he reluctantly agreed and he said to them, "On the way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of apples...."

(Place laughter here.)

I have a great knock-knock joke!

OK, you start it-

All of Mitch Hedberg's jokes.

There was some study done by some ivy league school on the components of comedy and jokes that produced "the funniest joke," which I do like.

Kyle and Clark are out hunting and get separated. Kyle sees a deer off in the distance and BOOM. It goes down.

Kyle's excitement quickly turns to horror as he draws closer and realizes he's shot Clark by mistake. Panicking, he calls 911.

"Hello, emergency."

"YOUGOTTAHELPMEWEWEREOUTHUNTINGANDISHOTHIMHE'SDEADWHATDOIDOOHMYGODOHMYGODWHATDOIDOISHOTHIMHELPMEFUCKFUCK"

"Sir! Sir. Please calm down. First things first, I need you to make sure he's actually dead."

"Okay!" BOOM "Now what?"

It is a two part joke and absolutely terrible. Still my favorite.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the cow fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the monkey.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To show his girlfriend he had guts.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the street?

spoiler

It was stuck inside a crack

My neighbours have made a sex tape. Of course, they don't know that yet.

I'm going to go with the original brick joke.

Did you hear about the pilot who tried to fly with a brick balanced on top of his plane?

It fell off.

How do you get an ostrich into a fridge?

Open the door, put the ostrich in, close the door.

How do you get an elephant into a fridge?

Open the door, take out the ostrich, put the elephant in, close the door.

It's the birthday of Lion, the king of the animals. Every animal has turned up to celebrate except one.

It's Elephant. He's stuck in the fridge.

Did you hear about the little girl who miraculously managed to wade several miles through alligator-infrsted swamps without getting eaten?

The alligator was at the birthday party.

But she died anyway.

Killed by a falling brick.

It's a knock knock joke;but, you have to start it.

Why don't Mennonites have sex standing up?

Because it could lead to dancing.

(Explanation: some Mennonite sects believe that dancing is inappropriate. Sex is not considered dirty, as long as it is within a marriage.)

mr ducks.

-- mr not ducks.

osar ducks, cdedbd wings.

-- whl al b, da r too ducks.

From a disposable mouthwash cup in the 90s:

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?

He had to sit in his own pew.

It's a knock knock joke but someone else needs to begin

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the frog fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the monkey!

I'll share my favorite knock-knock joke.

You start it.

This one only works in German.

Wie steigert man imposant? Im Hintern Steine, im Arsch Geröll!

Three peanuts were walking in a park.

The Mr. Show "Lie Detector" sketch is the funniest fucking thing ever imo.

You wouldn’t get it.

- "Vengo de Paraguay para matarte!"
- "¡¿Para qué?!"
- "Paraguay"

There was an elderly couple going to get their checkups done. The wife went first. Everything was normal and the doctor says, "Well, everything looks great. Is there anything youd like me to bring uo with your husband? I know older men can be a bit headstrong about their health."

"Nothing too serious," she says; "but since you asked, it's just that he is always picking his nose and whenever we make love, he refuses to let me be on top. We've been married for 20 years and it's a hard line for him."

"Hmm, that is interesting. I'll be sure to mention it to him," replies the doctor.

So the husband goes next and everything seems to be in order. The doctor says, "your check up seems to be great, but I wanted to ask you about some concerns your wife had. Shes says you pick your nose a lot and wont let her be on top when you make love. I just want to make sure there aren't underlying concerns that you aren't mentioning."

The husband, looking rather flustered, says in a serious tone, "When I came to this country, my father told me two things. Keep your nose clean and dont fuck up!"

👉⊙▽⊙👉

[ ⚠ CW: NSFW ] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smOaqKhs_k4&t=479s

When I hear/use the word condescending, I will look at someone and say: "That's when you talk down to people". Then let them get through their rant until they realise what just happened. I used to force it with "what do you call a kleptomaniac Dwarf going down a set of stairs? A little condescending, that's when you talk down to people".

Simple joke:

Knock knock, who's there, Europe, Europe who? No you're a poo.

I for one, like Roman numerals, that's perfection.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot 🥕