cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/48009634

Today marks a week into my Lamotrigine titration following my BD2 dx. I'm writing this post because I don't really have anyone* to talk to about my experience, both with the medications and my being dx'd in general. As far as I am aware, the amount I am taking (25mg for another week before 50mg for two weeks) is too low to have any therapeutic effect on me, and even if it wasn't, it hasn't been in my system long enough to do what it is meant to do yet. Some of the below info might be caused by other things, but I have never felt some of it before, and wanted to include everything for completeness sake.

Side effects: Headache On days 2 and 3, I had a persistent headache that nothing touched.
On day 3 it went completely away by 7pm.
On days 4 and 5, I had no pain.
Starting on day 6, I have a different kind of headache. It's dull and I can ignore it inside, but outside in the 90+ degree heat, it throbs. It's sort of in the back of my head where my neck and skull meet.
Brain fog
Starting on day 2, focus diminished significantly. It began as simple loss of words. The feeling that you can't remember the right word, but it's on the tip of your tongue.
By day 4, I was functionally useless around home, but driving unaffected (thank spaghetti-god). For example, I received an alert from my TrueNAS box that the battery backup communication was lost (shakes fist at silly APC junk), which never resolves until I disconnect/reconnect the USB cable. I went into the basement, and by the time I was at the bottom of the stairs, I forgot why. I stood there a minute. My wife came down and chuckled at me. "Are you lost?" I was. I told her I forgot why I was down there. She chuckled again and told me, "Your server UPS thing was being dumb, remember?" I did. I turned and opened the door to the "server room" and shut it behind me. As soon as the door was shut, I forgot why I was there again. I messaged her on Signal. "I'm dumb and forgot again. Why am I here?" She lol'd and reminded me. Then she called me a minute later, only to find that I was seated in front of the TrueNAS box, consoled in and trying to remember what I was going to upgrade. "OMG! Are you for real? You already forgot again?" Yes. Yes I did. I stayed on the phone, unplugged the cable and plugged it back in. Problem solved.

Mood: I don't attribute this to Lamotrigine, but my dx. I am happy. I have been re-evaluating my life up to this point through the lens of bipolar disorder. Before my diagnosis, it was strange to think even a few months back and think, "Maybe that was my bipolar." Now that I accept my diagnosis, there are things from my early teen years that stand out to me now. Heavy drug use, getting expelled from high school to trigger my mother's "If you get expelled, you can't live here." rule. Sleeping with my friend's GF in his bed. Poor life choices in general. I now realize that half of my relationships began during a period of hypomania. Every job I have ever held, I would suddenly start calling out around spring time (when my seasonal hypo arrives). So, while many of these things make me ashamed, I am happy knowing that it all fits my diagnosis.

The other thing that I noticed just last night is that I have relaxed a lot. I stopped trying to filter everything I say, do, want, wear, etc. I have accepted my dx, and this is who I am. I am not done trying to be a better person. I need to always strive to be my best. But I am no longer ashamed of being hypo or depressed, or needing to sleep for 18 hours. I feel slightly liberated by this. I am not suddenly unfiltered and yelling, "Deal with it! I have bipolar, fuckers!!!" I just feel like it's okay now, when I stand in a room shifting my weight from foot to foot with a blank mind. It's okay if my mind is racing and I can't explain myself. It's okay if I said you can have my orange juice, but I forgot and asked you later why you drank it. I will still apologize, but I no longer feel like I am a bad person. My unfinished projects? I sure wish they were finished, but I'll come back to them. I always do. But I have a lot more humor about my past experiences with the new, added context of my BD.

Friends and Family: The response from my family and a few friends has left me somewhat jaded. I don't think I will be volunteering to share my dx anymore. If I'm not explaining that BD isn't schizophrenia, then I'm explaining that being hypo doesn't mean I am suddenly delusional or psychotic. And even for my mother and older sister (the latter of which I believe has BD1), I ...don't know what I expected, but I was disappointed. That could be all me. In fact, it likely is. But "Wow. That's big. I am glad you are getting treatment." didn't really feel how I hoped it would feel to tell them. Well, maybe from my N mom, but not my sister. She is usually so empathetic. Usually, when I share things with her, I get responses like, "That must feel ____. How are you holding up? I think if I were in your shoes, I would..." so this was out of character to me. My best friend told me he loved me and that we'd get together when he's back in town. No worries there, but I still feel disinclined to share it with anyone.

Why? I didn't realize how people really don't know what BD is. It seems that the media or just common misconception leads to most people assuming it is multiple personality disorder or they think it's ultra-rapid cycling, going from full major depressive episode into full mania or hypomania in minutes, and back again. Even when they don't have those mistaken assumptions, there's still a persistent tone of, "You will be erratic and unpredictable." I feel like they don't trust me anymore. They act like my disorder began at dx last Wednesday. I've been this way for at least 29 years. The same guy who raised three kids who all have awesome attitudes and care for everybody in their lives. I've owned three homes with mortgages. I have a solid retirement saved up. No debt. No brushes with the law since 2006 (speeding ticket).

I'll have to do some work to correct these assumptions, and I will get to that. It's just that for the next few months, I plan to focus on me as much as I can. I don't have the resources to try to explain BD right now.

I hope this doesn't sound all doom and gloom. I am happy, but I know I tend to focus on the negative (that's a family trait on my mother's side). I am committed to staying on this treatment for the next several months in hopes of smoothing out my moods. This isn't a post rationalizing why I won't continue treatment. I'm happy to be treating my disorder.

*Full disclosure, my wife has BD1 (diagnosed around 2001 -- I forget which year), and she loves talking about my experience, but she also tends to discount things and give "advice" where I just want to discuss and get my thoughts out there. For that reason, I feel like she isn't the ideal person for me to talk openly with. Some of the things I need to learn, I will have to learn on my own; I can't just follow advice for every part of this experience.