What dumb line/joke may live in your head forever?
6d 23h ago by piefed.ca/u/MyBrainHurts in asklemmy
You know the one. The dumb joke you chuckled at that now just comes out unbidden at random times.
Homer Simpson thinking to himself:
"Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut."
"$20 can buy many peanuts."
"Explain how."
"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.
My favorite Homer quote has always been
"Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"
There's always the classic
"Alcohol the cause of, and solution to, all life's problems"
And the awesome "But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel; when he's holding a gun."
My wife and I quote this so often!
You might say he's barking up the wrong bush.
"Supplise!"
Its from this dumb racist joke I heard as a kid:
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…
"SUPPLISE!"
30 years later my partner and mother of my 2 children is Asian. Despite her best efforts her English is not great. We are a bilingual household, and this type of silly mis-spoken word thing comes up a lot.
Every time I read the word "supplies", like yesterday my printer alerted me that I need to order supplies, I have a little chuckle imagining an Asian guy jumping out and surprising me.
Its lame. Its based on a racist stereotype. I dont make fun of people with language difficulties. But I will always find this joke worth a chuckle.
This reminds me of the classic:
"We're sinking! We're sinking!"
"Zis is ze German Coastguard. Vat are you sinking about?"
This was used to great effect in UHF with Weird Al.
Replying to you so you can come back and see that folks posted the gif for that.
Don't beat yourself over it, the joke is hilarious. I think transgressive jokes require you to be really careful about your audience to:
- Not hurt or offend a member of a vulnerable population
- Not reinforce harmful stereotypes in people too dumb to tell jokes from reality
- Not make racists think you approve of their worldview
That usually leaves only the family and closest friends, if you're lucky. That being said some of those jokes are absolutely excellent, especially those that refer to neutral characteristics, such as an accent.
So hiding like that would make him a Secret Asian Man? (That misheard song lyric is one that I can't forget.)
A far simpler version that my kids enjoy:
"What does the janitor say when he jumps out of the closet?"
Many years ago I hung out with an old man that when asked him what he thought about a subject and he had no real input he would answer “I think a sack of flour would make a big biscuit!”
That will stay in my head forever.
I love old man non sequiturs. My dad’s response to a toddler asking him why over and over again is “because I’m building a bicycle made of bananas,” which tends to produce a perfect koan moment and break the question cycle
And the toddler was immediately enlightened.
I feel enlightened having learned a new word, koan, today!
Thanks to xkcd, whenever someone says "blank-ass blank" I mentally move the hyphen over, and depending on the person, if they say "that's a big-ass ball" I'll ask them "what's an ass-ball? And why is it big?"
I do this one too!
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.
Thank you, made me chuckle
Always results in an eyeroll and a laugh/snort/grumble about it being the stupidest joke, but I love it.
How the turn tables.
-micheal scott
- Abraham Lincoln
One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:
"Hey [Name], can you get this done?"
"Can the Pope's dick fit through a donut?"
".... I don't know?"
"Exactly 😎 👉 👉"
(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)
Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man
In English, we have something similar:
"'I see,' said the blind man to his deaf friend."
Isn't the next line usually: "And then he picked up his hammer and saw"
Thr one I've always heard is: "I see", said the blind man with a hammer and saw.
That's likely incomplete because the relatives I always heard it from...are not paragons of higher education, or scondary, or primary for that matter.
Argentinian here, I've heard that one too, it sounds better in Spanish (as I presume happens in Swedish). "Veremos", le dijo el ciego al sordo.
"I see said the blind man to the dead dog" is what I've always heard. Definitely a fave
"What's brown and sticky?"
"A stick."
This one's been doing the rounds in my family for as long as I can remember.
That's a good one. I heard that the same time as my personal favorite
"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"
spoiler
"Because it was dead"
What’s green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.
Why'd the second monkey fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___it was stapled to the first.
Why'd the third monkey fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___peer pressure
Why'd the lemur fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___thought it was a monkey.
I smiled.
"What's big brown and sticky?"
"A big stick"
"What's brown, and hurts if it falls on you from a tree?"
"A piano"
From the greatest sports parody movie ever made, BASEketball (1998):
Squeak: I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times I'm outta here!
"I guess that's why she didn't move around too much."
"Penalty!" "Oh come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke!"
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Edit: I'm also fond of:
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered six-offender
I'm just imagining Kiwis not getting it
Why is 12 afraid of 10?
Because 10 was in the middle of 9/11!
Who are you and how did you get in here?
I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.
That reminded me of another one. Someone says to someone else "You're stupid and ugly!". Their response, "I am not ugly!".
There was an intentionally bad discovery channel commercial with some Mexicans dressed up as meteors entering earths atmosphere and burning up. Deadpan delivering "aaaahhhhh. The atmospheeeeere. Aaahhhhh"
That just pops into my head every so often. Me and my best friend thought it was hilarious back in the 90's. Cause it was.
-"Anyway, your immunity Is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time And performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather."
-"I did do the nasty in the past-y."
Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!
So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?
There was a terrible standup bit that I loved. I believe it was from An Evening at the Improv.
Guy is doing a bad private eye shtick: "Either this man was stabbed to death with a spoon, or his entire body is breaking out in little smiles."
I have searched online for the clip for literally over a decade, and I know this because I searched once a few years ago and found... myself asking the exact same question on a forum a decade earlier.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies
Anyone: "guess what"
Me: "chicken butt"
The chicken crossed the road for butt.
"Oh no, not again" from the paragraph:
"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
Where is this from. It sounds amazing.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And yes, it is amazing.
As someone else replied, it's from the first book in a 5 book trilogy where the first book shares a name with the series: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or HHGTTG for short.
It is absolutely brilliant. The petunia paragraph is preceeded by this, for more go read/listen to the books.
It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a sperm whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. But since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought as it fell: 'Ahhh! Whoa! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by 'who am I'? Okay, okay, calm down, calm down, get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? It's a sort of a tingling in my... well, I suppose I better start finding names for things. Let's call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting! I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now, isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground!'
There's a Winnie the Pooh episode where the characters are playing on Christopher Robin's train set and the episode turns into a parody of a stereotypical Western with a train robbery and a Western town with a saloon and jail and all that.
In one scene they're on the train and one character (I think Pooh, but it might be Piglet) appears out of nowhere. Another character questions his sudden, impossible appearance on a moving train in the middle of the desert and and Pooh/Piglet responds "it's a fantasy"
I don't know why that dumb joke stuck in my head, but sometimes when life gets to be too much I randomly think "it's a fantasy" and things don't really matter anymore or have to make sense.
Why was the sand wet?
The sea weed.
I always have one joke at the ready, it was a quip between party members in dragon age 2:
"An elf and a dwarf walk into a bar, the elf looks at the dwarf and says 'you're lucky you're so short, that hurt like hell!"
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst!
When they're cheesy, that's the wurst käse scenario.
A student turned in his test with a $100 stapled to it, with a note “$100 = 100 points = A.” He got the test back with $50 stapled to it and a note “$50 = 50 points = F”
Spongebob: Patrick, your genius is showing!
Patrick: [Covers crotch] Huh, where?!
Why can you never have more that one egg?
Cause one egg is Un œuf (enough)
My favourite bilingual joke. It's so silly, it's so fantastic
Oo I like that one! Here's one of my favs!
Two cats are going to try crossing a river. One is named "One Two Three Cat" and the other is named "Un Deux Trois Cat."
Which kitty makes it across?
Answer:
One Two Three Cat. . .Because "Un Deux Trois Cat Sank!" :( XD
I've heard a lot of people like the Musee d'Orsay, but I found the architecture to be a little garish.
One I’ve heard around a few times is “What if Soy milk is just Spanish milk introducing itself?”
When you're right, you're right, and when you're right.......you're right
Sounds like John Candy.
And you? You’re right!
"I always wanted a briefcase that attached to my wrist with handcuffs. Alright." - A "joke" from Mitch Hedberg.
An escalator is never broken. It just becomes stairs.
Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
"I used to do drugs...
I still do, but I used to too"
"You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night, those people were at my show"
"Try not to suck any dicks on the way to the parking lot!"
In a row?
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Spoiler
Where you left it
What do you call a dog with no legs?
spoiler
You don't call him, you go get him.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Tap for spoiler
Ground Beef
The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot
“What killed the dinosaurs?
THE ICE AGE!”
Now the ICE age is rounding up and killing immigrants!
That joke kicks ice
"Yes it's true, this man had no dick"
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Tap for spoiler
You take away its credit card!
"FIRMLY GRASP IT!" Patrick stabs injured Squidward with jellyfish net handle
"East? I thought you said Weast" "That's west, Patrick"
Patrick scraping the floor with upside down broom Krusty Krab customer: "Did you just blow in from stupid town?"
(From Spongebob and scenes where characters just randomly explode)
Bojack Horseman explaining to Princess Caroline that he can express feelings cuts to Bojack putting his hand over a fire on the stove "Nothing on the outside, nothing on the inside"
I get a surprising amount of mileage out of "But who was flickering the lights?" And "Nosferatu!"
No I'm... doesn't
What do you call a bra stretched across a doorway?
Tap for punchline
A booby trap.
Someone: mentions their sore throat
Me: "what? from sucking all the dick?"
“Here’s a guy who when he puts on his glasses he can see better!”
I know that's a John Madden impression, but who was the impressionist? Was that Frank Caliendo?
Brian Regan I believe.
I was remembering Frank Caliendo saying it, but apparently it's a real quote from Madden:
Nope you’re right, it was Frank. I looked it up. I got my comics mixed up lol.
Everytime I hear that it's been ten years since X, I hear Jeremy Piven in Grosse Pointe Blank.
"Why you know that cow is highly accomplished? Yeah they are outstanding in their field."
Mine is: "Ah ha, ah ha, the letter two my friend." (SNL celebrity jeopardy)
You're excited? FEEL THESE NIPPLES
"big gulps, huh? Well, see you later!"
So many. One in particular counts to mind right now.
Walking home at 4 am with a friend when he breaks the silence with:
“You know, sometimes people think I’m strange, but then I just look at them weird.”
Then proceeded to silently walk until I had time to process what he had just said.
It really struck a chord with me at the time and I guess forever. i laughed a lot. Like the silent ribs hurting laughter. I still think about it every now and then and chuckle.
- Today we're gonna teach poodles how to fly.
- Nothing says I love you like the gift of a spatula.
- You found the marble in the oatmeal! You win a drink from the firehose!
Spatula city! I swear I watch that bit at least every couple of years.
My local indie theatre played UHF a while back and holy God, watching that with a hundred other people howling and cheering was a magical experience.
Oh, I would love seeing it in theater again! I bet that was something awesome.
Absolutely was. I'm super spoiled, that theatre does all sorts of awesome movies and events like that. And it's about exactly a one joint walk away...
Whenever I am out and about I will eventually see someone doing something with a step-ladder. I walk up to them and say "Is that your step-ladder?". They'll look at me a little odd but answer yes. Then I ask them, "Did you ever know your real ladder?". Then we usually both laugh/chuckle and I go about my day. Been doing it for years.
No ticket
"Round of applause for Sean Lock everyone, he had a great carreer with many years in the industry, but then he brought back the Nazis"
I love that episode. That and the "challenging wank" episode.
Edited to add: How can I possibly have forgotten to add Joe Wilkinson's poem about naming willies... Unforgivable of me.
Pity he died 😢
Appa from Kim's Convenience saying 'No, you!' to everything.
'You're deflecting.'
'No! You are deflecting!'
"It's like I tell my ex-wife. Honey...I never drive faster than I can see. And besides that, it's all in the reflexes."
"But the water's clean".
Many years ago when a friend and I stopped at a rest stop and the sinks looked dirty. I said, "It's not very clean", they said that. Now for some reason it still pops into my head any time I wash my hands in a public restroom. Whyyyyyyyyyy.
The safari guides from George of the Jungle spending the entire trip trolling the white guy. Including the cherry on top, this scene.
"Excuse me ladies. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you let me order a bowl of fried clams, we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning."
Just the tip and only for a minnit
It might be an inch but it smells like a foot
Summer teeth
Whenever anyone says "you can't really tell" I'll immediately hear "especially when I twirl them like this". Because lines from finding nemo will be stuck in there forever.
It's something a friend of mine used to reply when people would say "Jesus fucking Christ!"
He'd immediately reply "That's impossible!"
With God, all things are possible! Up to and including autofellatio!
20$ nawww i wanted a peanut!
"HELLO GRAHAMOTHY!" "Hello murder boy!" "Oh nooo"
It was from a stream of a group of people playing Among Us with nearby audio. Graham kills two people, gets ejected. Ghosts can hear each other. So they ganged up on him for a bit lol
Any variation of n n+1 (based on 67).
Every time I get electricity bill I sing "la factura de la luz"
"ipso facto, my cheekbones are higher"
The Mask: "Don't turn your back at me" (context: things getting sucked into holes)
"bottlesworth" as a unit of measure, from Look Around You, I think it was the sulfur episode
This makes me laugh like such a stupid idiot. Just – bear with me here: imagine this scenario playing out.
Like I dunno I'm seeing pulling up in a Spirit Halloween "Canned Spaghetti Chef" costume with a fake mustache and everything. Combined with the intrusive thought of putting random things in those whooshy bank tubes.
"It's him AGAIN!!" Like this master of disguise is some kind of recurrent menace to the bank staff. ROFL why does "frantically" make it even funnier?!
Does the tube activate with a wet schlorpy sound and pneumatically deliver its payload?
... If I think about it too much I struggle to breathe. 😂
"I haveth a laser pointere"