Let’s dissect this obviously true and verifiable statement from the FBI director about the terrorist attack he definitely thwarted this week with his bare hands, which were tied behind his back at the time:

On June 10, FBI and our law enforcement partners became aware of a potential threat to the UFC America 250 event in Washington, D.C. involving individuals outside of the National Capital Region – and thanks to the rapid action of this FBI, our partners, and the Department of Justice in a multi-state operation, multiple individuals are now in custody and allegedly planned attacks were stopped cold.

STOPPED. COLD.

And they all got arrested, praise Kash!

Who are they? You wouldn’t know them, they go to a different school, in Canada.

While the result represented the best of investigative work, it was also nothing out of the ordinary for this law enforcement team –

Pfffffft, Kash is not bragging, Kash does this every week, in his girl-sized jacket.

More:

we are built to detect, respond to, and bring to justice those who threaten the lives of American citizens - particularly during large gatherings like the historic UFC 250 fight.

“Historic.” Literally the most human trash event to happen at the Trump White House since at least the week before, but sure, friendless MAGA loser with loser MAGA girlfriend who’s currently the butt of jokes in Belgium because the embassy brought her there to “perform,” we’ll call it “historic.”

That’s exactly what we did here. I want to thank our great agents and partners, this work remains ongoing and we will continue to update the public as permitted.

Wait, what did they do? Ka$h forgot to explain why we should all be bone-hard about his heroic efforts. What did he stand athwart of and yell “NOT ON MY WATCH”?

Before we go on, we explicitly told you not to laugh at Kash Patel, yet we feel like you are all laughing at Kash Patel right now. Why are you doing that?

Kash links to Fox News, which is dutifully going through the motions of licking up and down the Trump regime’s musky asshole, breathlessly reporting this obviously bullshit true story about Kash stopping the second 9/11 like two days ago at Trump’s birthday, because that’s totally how a real professional FBI conducts itself, by immediately rushing to a microphone to brag about terrorist attacks it just definitely for real stopped.

Of course, even Fox News’s headline and subheadline use the word “allegedly,” which suggests to us that even they may not really believe it.

Five people were in custody as of Monday, and investigators identified 23 people as part of a potential network of plotters. The alleged plan involved using explosive-laden drones to hit buildings near the event, force a mass evacuation and steer crowds toward a pre-staged sniper team, officials said.

A “second wave” was then allegedly planned to storm the White House gate, according to officials.

“Officials.” OK.

Were the alleged attackers transgender, Kash? Did they find a whole buncha bullets that say “DID IT BECUZ TRANSGENDURRR?”

The FBI first learned of the threat on June 10 and worked with partners to secure probable cause for an arrest in Cincinnati, where one suspect was taken into custody.

Cincinnati, yep, OK.

“In the days leading up to this weekend, our special agents, mission support personnel, and technical security teams worked around the clock to identify those responsible and hold them accountable,” Secret Service Director Sean Curran said in a statement. “Equally important to our protective mission is ensuring accountability through the justice system. To that end, our formal comments regarding the specifics of this case will be made through court filings.”

Investigators later uncovered Signal chats in which multiple people allegedly discussed attacking the UFC event. An initial review of one suspect’s iPhone identified at least 23 Signal users discussing pre-operational activity, officials said.

Signal? Was Pete Hegseth on the chat?

One suspect allegedly told investigators the goal was to target “capitalist elites,” “billionaires” or politicians who received donations from the American Israel Public Affairs Committee.

Oh gosh, that sounds exactly like a thing that happened.

The investigation stretched across at least 12 FBI field offices.

Whew, how can Kash coordinate that many offices AT ONCE? He must be extra sober these days!

The alleged plot targeted UFC Freedom 250, a high-profile White House event held on the South Lawn as part of President Donald Trump’s 80th birthday weekend.

Because if you’re going to attack the capitalist elites and the billionaires and the AIPAC recipients, you do it at the dementia-fied president’s 80th birthday party super smackdown punchy fighty bouncy house party! It probably says that somewhere in Rules For Radicals.

Reacting to the news on “FOX & Friends” Tuesday, Vice President JD Vance called it “very, very dark stuff.”

OK, Couchfuck The Clown.

“This is what happens when people turn the rhetoric up so loud that disagreeing with somebody is a cause for violence,” Vance said. “We got to tell everybody to tone it down.”

“Everybody has a role to cut this stuff out,” Vance continued. “But I think a lot of my Democratic colleagues in Washington have got to look themselves in the mirror and say, why is so much of this political violence coming from our side of the spectrum?”

The political violence that didn’t happen that we have no evidence besides Kash Patel’s word was even being planned? Fuck off.

In summary and in conclusion, everybody is safe now and nobody drone-attacked the president’s birthday party or stormed the whole White House, and this is only the case because Kash Patel is so good at his job and also is just in general a cool guy with human friends who’s good at sex, everybody says so.