I’m going to be honest that your “infatuation”, as it were, with all women seems fairly extreme to me. I do look at all people as they go by, and might think to myself “damn, she was cute”, but for me that’s about it. I might steal an extra look, but only rarely.

As you say yourself, you think they notice and I think you’re right. You also mention that you don’t like it but just “let yourself get away with it”. Maybe it’s worth trying to not let yourself get away with it? Make a conscious effort to stop? Self improvement is possible and even quite rewarding at times! And self control doesn’t come naturally to the rest of us either. I wouldn’t think this kind of behaviour is particularly healthy for you, but that’s just my two cents. Best of luck!

I mean I assume you don't have much sex or a girlfriend or anything.

In that case, at least from what I know from myself or my friends, this desire to look is completely normal. I think you might follow that desire a little bit too much (as it is something you can control), but the base feeling you have is something most men experience.

Your nature is telling you to approach women and have sex with them. For some reason, you don't, maybe because you're scared, socially anxious, people have told you being sexual is terrible, whatever. This part of your nature is very strong, and as it seems the only thing left for you is looking, of course you're going to want to do it.

If you actually approach women and have a healthy sex life, that desire probably goes down, but of course now you've also made it a kind of compulsive habit, so it might be hard to break.

It's honestly quite ridiculous to me that you're ashamed of looking at sexually attractive people. Despite what some radical feminists or whoever will tell you, just looking and being sexually attracted is nothing shameful. It's more likely that this shame itself is causing the issue, since you're sexual, yet that is for some reason shameful so you can't satisfy it, causing you to have more of a sexual desire since you have so little of actual action.

Sexuality is our main drive, it is constant, and there's nothing wrong with it as long as you inquire about people's boundaries and respect them.

You had me up until you said you would change your route.

I see a nice ass, I’ll take another look. I won’t alter course to walk past again though. I feel like that needs addressing.

If you're a heterosexual man you're probably gonna find most/a good chunk of women until they're in their 40s attractive to very attractive and have some natural bodily reaction to it. That's just how it is, that's how we became billions. A man must control his horny and his angry, that's our responsibility, at the very least their expressions, in order to remain moral and prosocial. One thing I can say is that, if you're in love and getting busy often with your one and only, you stop being so sexually obsessed with other women, in a very deep and perhaps biological level. That's what I've found out at least, and I've been with my lady for a little over a decade now and all of my friends except two very good lads are women. I've never crossed a boundary nor have I even wanted to. 🤷👍

So, don't worry, you're just a horny young (late 20s is young) man because of the hormones, if anything it's healthy, it's how our ancestors had to be to get out of the caves. Focus on love, find your one and it'll kinda go away. ✌️

I will change my walking route to innocently walk past them and steal another look.

Yeah that's something you should probably stop doing. People notice, and it might not look as innocent as you might think. Many among them will act as if they didn't notice in order to avoid a confrontation. Just stay on your route please.

Cis male who’s much older than you: you’re not alone, but my drive to do so has tapered over time. Polite society is, in large part, about overcoming primal caveman (or “lizard-brain”) urges. Primal urges are different for different people.

You know that phenomena where you buy a yellow car, and then you suddenly see yellow cars everywhere?

Brains are really suggestible.

You don't need to be ashamed, if your brain has gotten into a habit you don't appreciate, or is negatively affecting your life, it's something you can work on.

Gals are pretty, I'm not attracted to them, myself, but I absolutely get it.

What you want is to feel like you're in control of enjoying looking, and not that it's a compulsion, like it's driving you. That's gotta be almost taking all the pleasure out of it for you. I could imagine that would be hugely annoying.

Just start by noticing other things, go out specifically to see something, birds, trees, bugs, water, boats, whatever you find interesting, and start retraining your brain towards something else, if you try "not" to look at something, it's still the main focus, if you try not to look at girls, the focus is still girls, it's easier to help your brain notice other things. Count how many of something you see. Just let your brain notice girls as you go, notice what it's telling you and then move back to what you were looking at redirecting towards.

You don't have to do what your brain tells you to do, you aren't your "thinking brain", you are the entity that observes your thoughts, you might be inadvertently feeding those thoughts into a bigger thing than you want them to be, by actioning on them. I would suggest, try not walking or actioning them. That feeds that wolf, which is perfectly normal and fine, but hes just gotten a little too much for the space you want him to occupy.

This is all ok, its a perfectly normal, developmental stage. It will calm down on its own, too, don't stress.

A piece of advice I've missed here:

Being interested in girls it's nothing weird. But the thing I think you really want is to get to know them better. The only way to do that is to talk to them. That way you even get to look at them a bit longer (focus on the eyes).

I'm not a hero at this and learned it at way a later age than yourself. And it takes a bit of courage to do. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

And the more comfortable about talking to women you get, the more confident you become, and that makes you more attractive than any set of biceps or perfect abs.

So get training! Get some talking points and go out there and try talking. You might think you fail a vile of times, but the thing is you don't, really. Generally people like attention and if you fumble your words a bit clumsily you might actually be attractive (Hugh Grant built a career on that).

So set yourself some targets and don't give up until your cringe weans off, it will happen and you'll feel better about yourself.

And maybe, but this may absolutely not be your main goal, but just maybe you might even get to look at them in greater detail than you'd ever bargain for. But the main thing is being genuinely interested in them as a person.

You sound a bit thirsty but otherwise reasonably normal.

An appreciative, furtive glance is received vastly different to a lecherous stare. Be aware of what your face is doing.

If a girl even remotely suspects a man is following her then 99.9% of the time you will cause terrible fear. It’ll never occur to her that you were just temporarily detouring to appreciate an ass so fine you want to build a temple for it.

Remember that the world in your head and the world outside your head are different places with different rules. Outcomes can vary.

I’m a woman I assume men “look at me” in the way you’re talking about, I also often look at men in similar ways, albeit with significantly less urgency, as long as the person looking isn’t leering or ogling the other person I don’t think it’s a problem. If you do happen to make eye contact a simple nice smile and getting on with your day is the best friendly/non threatening way to diffuse it acting shady like you got caught doing something bad makes it seem like that.

It’s normal just be discreet and respectful if you do happen to be caught

I definitely had a phase like that. I also was quite disgusted with myself and tried to rein it in as much as possible. I wouldn't intentionally walk somewhere to see more girls. I also started to fight the urge to glance, because it just felt wrong to me. That went on for a while until I got tired of fighting my own body. I briefly stopped, but quickly noticed that the more I indulged, the stronger these urges got. So, I started to rein them in again to a level that felt good for me.

I think it's okay to glance at a pretty women, but that's it. No staring, no trying to get more glances. It takes some willpower, but the more I practiced and the older I got, the easier it became. Also it does feel a little rewarding to notice the urge to peak at the girl in the short skirt, but to keep your eyes straight until she is gone. Makes me feel like a little superior to the other men I see leering.

One simple trick is to look around and check out who is glancing/staring instead. A lot of people do that, men and women, though mostly men (at least at women). It's probably normal, but can be interactive for some. I think it's important to accept that part of yourself, but also to not indulge it too much. If this seems impossible, I think consulting a therapist might be the way to go.

A look or two is normal. Looking at sexy people scratches the feelgood brain bits. Changing your path to gawk is getting a bit sketchy. You should probably masturbate a bit more often, or better yet, find someone to share orgasms with. You're craving it.

It’s called hypersexuality and is a symptom of many different things.

Saying the quiet part out loud. At that age, your hormones are still on the fritz. It'll take until ~25 for them to quiet down. For some it's earlier, for others it later, but generally, that's around the time it happens.

My theory on why this is persistent for some is because they are horny with no release beyond self-release. It's combined with traditional and religious society too that has strong gender roles i.e male has to court the female which creates a power imbalance. If we lived in a place where sex and sexual attraction weren't seen as aberrant and supposed to be suppressed, we could have a much healthier society with better interactions between people attracted to each other.

Imagination isn't bad, as long as you treat everybody with respect. Having sexual fantasies about every woman you see, to me, isn't unhealthy or a sign of a problem - unless your actions become negative. Your 20s are your prime. It's the time to make mistakes and learn from them. Ask people out, take chances, try and go on dates, but don't let it consume or define you. Don't be or become an animal driven by lust. You are more than a walking penis that requires wetness every day.

It's normal & I don't care, only care about behavior - I expect straight guys are looking at women, aware of attractive women, notice nice figures, men are very visual in general, nothing bad about it. And I expect gay guys are constantly checking out men as well.

Bad is remarking on it all the time, touching, staring really hard when the lady looks uncomfortable about the staring, looking at boobs when someone is talking to you - you already know all this! Just noticing, you aren't going to be able to turn that off and ought not if you could.

Me, I notice looks but not often turned on by anyone's look. And I notice guys looking and do not care, don't think it means anything.

It's totally normal. You're hard wired that way and it's at its peak when you're young. As long as you're not actively staring then it's entirely natural to be sexually attracted to other humans.

Most men look at other males to assess threat level, and females to assess breeding potential, it is an unconcious drive (we also unconsciously assess if things are edible, but less so for humans :p). I use the pronouns of men, male and female carefully in that sentence, other interactions are less studied.

For socialised men, the urge stops there, and with a healthy body and relation to it you also don't spend more attention on it. Sometimes, like when affected by hormones, loneliness, psychosexual/physical/mental imbalance, etc. the responses are more intense, and could be viewed as a signal of unmet needs (analogous to hunger, sleepiness, pain, etc) that you can react to in an appropriate manner.

When the thoughts, impulses or actions become hard to control or risk creating negative consequences, that's where intervention helps, like therapy, medication, lifestyle adjustment, etc.

So basically, it happens, it will vary by season, age, diet, health, etc. Please consider if you might be horny, lonely, or have other unhealth to take care of. If you find it takes up too much of your attention (to function normally) and/or threatens your impulse control, seek help.

A decent bar for normal functioning is that it shouldn't interfere with social relationships: don't make people uncomfortable, don't hurt anyone (including yourself), as well as day-to-day life: don't ruminate/obsess, don't spiral.

It is less often spoken about but fairly common to fantasise about encounters and even masturbate to them. Just be mindful that it's your fantasy you're entertaining, it has nothing to do with the actual person which you will need to respect and treat as they wish to be treated.

As this is a point of common misunderstanding, let me repeat: You seeing something that sparks attraction or even excitement might lead to fantasies of it in a sexual setting, maybe even gestalted with their body. All of this is your imagination, none of it is real.

The actual person is not your object of infatuation, has not shared your fantasy or even desires, and they will rightfully react negatively if you project your fantasy on to them.

So I repeat: it's normal to notice, it's impolite to make a thing of it or make people uncomfortable, it's expected that you can regulate your impulses and make sure you have the strategies and resources to do it, and seek help if you cannot.

I will also chime in and say - this is totally fucking normal.

The modern media and social environment are very sex negative. Of course, it pays lip service to sex positivity - but go find a piece of popular media where the protagonist has lots of sex and enjoys it and doesn't go through a character arc of "getting over 'meaningless' sex" and realizing it is all about wholesome, feel-good, family friendly looooove.

And then, here you are on lemmy, a left leaning online space, where male sexual desire especially tends to be demonized. You may have noticed that women tend to have "kinks", like D/s, praise, or impact play, which are fun and sexy, while men tend to have fetishes, like feet, or asians, or certain ages, which are weird and gross and "problematic".

And if you go searching for some positive interpretation of your sexuality, or help in working through your issues, you will most likely end up in the manosphere, which.... uhhhh.... yeah, don't even look.

So let me be someone who will tell you - you're fucking fine. This is normal. You're a guy. You wanna fuck hot girls. This is the most normal thing in the world. If you see a hot girl, look at her, appreciate her hotness, be grateful you got to enjoy it, and move on with your day. The fact is, women go to great lengths to stay in shape, take care of their skin, and wear sexy clothes because they want men to look at them. Of course, this being Lemmy, there is a high probability that someone will come in with the nonsense about "it's about self expression"/"X isn't inherently sexual"/"it's the pATriARcHy!!!!". BULLSHIT! Women dress up hot so that people will look at them and see how hot they are. You know how I know? Because dozens of women I know in real life have told me literally exactly this. They tell me they're going to the gym to get a huge ass. They tell me they wore this form fitting crop top to show off their boobs. They tell me they noticed me looking at their cleavage and liked it. I even had one female friend complain about "what is wrong with men these days?" because she went for a jog in the park in a sports bra and yoga pants and didn't get a single wolf whistle (note: I do not recommend wolf whistleing, and this friend is kinda weird - I just bring it up to illustrate my larger point). Women like it when attractive guys notice and appreciate their own attractiveness! Even if they are in a relationship or not looking for anything now or don't feel like talking to anyone in that moment, most people still like it when they feel like other people think they are hot.

All the complaints you see online are about unattractive and unfiltered guys staring at women. The obese, unshaved, bald guy in his mid 50s with ketchup stains down his shirt who stares at a girl's tits for 15 minutes? Yeah, not many women like that. Why? Because

1. Staring at her tits implies sex, and she has a visceral reaction of disgust when she imagines having sex with this man, and
2. Because he is staring at her tits without regard for who might notice, he is demonstrating a lack of social acuity that might imply other social deviance - like an openness to raping her. So she feels scared.

But if you, at the very least, dress and groom yourself like you give a shit, and then only give big ol' titties a passing glance, then the vast majority of women will either not care (it's normal) or take it as a small compliment.

Try talking to a sex therapist.

Occasional glance is one thing but this sounds like another level if it is occupying your mind as well.

Having a quick glance at something that attracts you is normal. Being sneaky about it is where the behaviour needs to be corrected, or, at least questioned. I think you'll be okay in the long run as you seem to posses self-awareness, which a lot of people have not cultivated in themselves. You are different in exactly the same way that everyone else is.

It's normal, dude

If you're not hurting anyone who the heck cares? Just try not to make them uncomfortable I guess, but I'm sure at least some of them even enjoy the attention.

Don't beat yourself up on something that's wired so deep in your brain it would fuck you up if you pulled that cable out.

Much of this is normal for guys from my own and other guys experiences. Heck my wife is the kind to point out other chicks. What Im not sure if any girl is going to but I can say that like if a girl has a low cut top it becomes really annoying talking with them. I have to like lock onto their forehead or such because if it comes into visual ranges its almost impossible not to look at it without an act of will. Ill tell ya to im like an old guy. old enough anyway. So the hormones or whatnot do not go away. I mean honestly most sitcoms make fun of the horny guy thing all the time. That does not come from no where. SNL actually had this skit where it was supposed to be a new syle of mens pants where there was a window to show like the area around where the cock and balls meet without showing all of any of it and then the guys where telling the girls. hey my eyes are up here.

Look I'm not perfect either. When a attractive girl walks by I think to myself "Damn, good for her." But I wouldn't ever go out of the way to get a second glance.

And most importantly when I'm inside a 1.5 ton steel cage with more than 200 horses on the wheels the idea of not ending up in a wall, curb or sidewalk is infinitely more attractive than some Latina in hotpants. Keep your eyes on the road. Otherwise the sight of an attractive girl will be associated with hosing out some childs brain matter out of you front grill.m

Straight male here. It's normal. As long as you're somewhat discreet about it, you won't creep them out even if you make eye contact. By that, I mean don't stare at them intensely over prolonged period or take your camera out. Also don't do it (blatantly) when you're with your partner.

Married 23 years. Not interested in other women but I find women generally to be beautiful. It's like looking at art to me. Every painting has It's own beauty. It's just nice to look and appreciate then move on with my day.

I have similar issues, though maybe not quite as intense as yours. I also have ADHD, and my eyes "wander" more when I am unmedicated. I think it's kind of like being drawn to shiny things, but there's also an element of objectification to it, which is the part that makes me uncomfortable.

I think checking people out is OK and human, but if you're going out of your way to walk places where there will be more people available to look at, maybe you need to reflect on what you're really after. Are you single? Lonely?

There are lots of interesting things to focus on that are not women's bodies existing out in public. If you're finding it hard to focus on anything but butts, might be worth talking to a therapist about. Idk, just my $0.02.

If you have access to it, therapy might be useful. Especially because you have behavious you dont like but still keep doing. Professionals are really good at giving you the tools to deal with that kind of stuff.

Also just wondering but have you tried self help or similar things regarding this? Like similar to what is desceibed in here: How to Stop Ogling and Objectifying Women

just going to offer an alternative perspective here. im a trans woman and lean towards being a lesbian. i found myself similarly obsessed with women to various degrees throughout my life pre transition. part of it was certainly hormonal, just being really horny and lonely, but another part was the dysphoria and intense gender envy i would get seeing attractive women just existing. i wanted to be them so badly, but i didn't realize it because it went along with my sexual desire so often. things got better when i was in a relationship but it never really stopped. nothing i did seemed to resolve those feelings.

a couple years ago i realized im trans and a bit after started hormonal transition. the sexual obsession stopped pretty much immediately and i felt much better about my attraction to women. it feels much healthier and less insistent now. part of that was the temporary drop in my libido, but girl horny feels so different and just better to me.

i see a lot of myself in how you describe your feelings, so i figured id mention the possibility that you could be trans too. no one can tell you whether you are or not but you, so it might be worth exploring, just to see.

A lot of this is normal, and yes there are some aspects of your behaviour that I'd find a bit concerning but it's been mentioned a lot in this thread. And I think that we've done so much to vilify men and male sexual desire as a society that it's giving the manosphere a voice they would otherwise have not existed decades ago.

Society is genuinely at the point where we'll creep shame any guy who even so much as glances at a well-endowed lady's boobs or arse in a tank top or yoga pants.

We need to take a long and hard look at our society and ask how we've managed to make people like Andrew Tate, Steven Crowder and Charlie Kirk household names.

The amount of people calling similar takes to mine incel ideology is shocking, and I think this immediate attack is why we have a male loneliness epidemic and why I worry for what the future brings.

I don't fantasize about people sexually (most of the time) but I look at everyones asses. It's just where my eyes naturally rest when I'm walking around

When you look around at women I think the major difference between creepy vs not creepy is whether you're furtively and ineffectively trying to hide it vs smiling and being open. If a woman notices you looking, to smile and maybe give a little nod before looking away is friendly. Fearfully glancing away and then sneakily looking back is creepy. And if she acknowledges your smile and nod with a smile and nod of her own, it might indicate a bit of interest. Or not. But you have to let go of the idea that you're peeping out through the window blinds afraid of the world, and since this is bothering you so much I would strongly suggest looking into a little therapy.

I'm gay and I simply don't have this sort of compulsion with men, not even ones that are incredibly attractive. Tho I also do consider myself kinda soeta grey asexual, ish, a bit.

I also have an outrageously strong foot fetish for which I'm pretty bi/pan, and I can relate to some of what you've described a little bit more in that regard (tho not specific to one gender, nice feet are nice feet on whoever!). But even then I don't allow myself to stare to the detriment of whatever I'm doing and I especially don't allow myself to go out of my way to keep looking or trying to get a better viewing angle. I will certainly enjoy whatever views of them happen genuinely naturally through circumstances and I don't feel bad about feeling aroused when I do, but it simply is not an option to me to do anything more, because I don't know that person and I simply don't have their consent to take it farther than that.

I suggest therapy if you can access it. AASECT certified therapist maybe a good choice to help you separate healthy attractions and fantasies from things that clearly cross lines and make other people feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

As long as you're "just looking" it is not a big problem in a general sense. You're not harassing or whistling or whatever. It sounds like it is a problem for you though, so you might want to talk to a professional about it.

Weeeell... I have only known two kinds of people, those who take a look, and those who lie. I guess I haven't met many asexuals in my life yet. If you want to have fun, try hanging out at a social spot like the park, pool, cafe or whatever, and watch people watch people.

Don't be creepy, don't stare, don't make someone else uncomfortable, that goes without saying. One glance is a compliment, 10s of staring is bad. Time and place matter as well, someone who wears clothing that stands out at a place where it could be expected to stand out, well, can expect to stand out. There were two guys in crop tops at the gym the other day, and man, those sixpacks had me question my sexuality for a second.

As with all things, if it makes you stop enjoy life, or not be a good part of society, your social circles, family, job and so on, take steps to correct it, obviously, because then it crosses over into compulsive or addictive territory.

And, as a last thing, you are more than the little voice inside your head. That little voice is not going to go away soon, but there is more to life than being horny. Captain of your soul and all that shit. Enjoy your libido to the fullest when you can, tell it to fuck off and shut up when inappropriate.

assume you are doing a " feral gaze" some people might catch you doing that, and get creeped out and will snatch you dirty looks, i advise dont do that. its the staring and potential low-key following that is a little creepy. if you stare more than a few seconds , or start following them as you said its lowkey you need to avoid doing that. because now you might be seen as a suspicious person to avoid. intentionally passing by them or following is a little to strong beyond just gazing. do you watch porn alot or at all? or anything related to porn. ive seen this in other forums where they cant stop thinking about sex, opposite or same sex when they indulged too much on porn, it just increases thier urges. assuming you arnt doing that that. the first thing is probably stop following them or going near them, just to get another glance at them.

i dint mention, but the longer you glance at them, they will notice that someone is watching them instinctively and they would look up often in your direction and start acting wierd around you. if this is bothering you too much, you might want to see someone about it, or if too embarrsed try to find a forum with others that have similar experiences.

Wear dark sunglasses when possible.

I think its very normal. I remember when I was young, specially in my teenage years, I was incredibly attracted to all girls too.

People have different strength sex drives. Some people hardly even feel theirs, and others are completely dominated by it. Age plays a role too.

So what you want to do is lick your teeth. Not your lips. Look me in the eyes. Lick your teeth between your teeth and your lips but do not lip your licks.

At the gym or going for a walk I'm always looking at someone, not staring my eyes wander and honestly more of my attention is on my audio book than the people I'm looking at. I can't exactly help it, what else am I supposed to do, stare blankly at the wall? My eyes need to be looking at something and people are constantly changing and moving. And yes I am more inclined to look at attractive people I think everyone is. I've always thought people who just look straight ahead and never at the people around them are psychotic.

you're just spiritually italian or french or sth xD

seriously though, idk. i think it has to do with age or sth, i think it does get less with age? i'm not sure.

Armchair psychologist here also trying to figure himself out before the inevitable end.

I don't think this is as much of an uncontrollable craze as it is hyper-awareness of your passive actions/thoughts. Imagine the opposite of complete, nothing to react to, ignorance x 10. I'm a perfectionist and a problem solver. I have to earn leisure through productivity. I constantly desire more of everything. I'm over-observant with grainy photographic memory. AND I'm hyper-aware of everything all the time. It may be my brain's desire to consume or collect information, even if it's trivial or irrelevant. This includes the passively hyper-focused observation of others.

You do it with dudes as well. Pets, cars, mailboxes. You get the idea. The only reason women stand out to you is likely because that's just what you're interested in. There was some faux research done a million years ago about how frequently men think about sex, and it was just short of nearly all the time. Since then debunked, but I still think it's impossible for researchers to access the human subconscious, or our background processes. But like you said, you're a heterosexual guy. It's what we do. I too look at everyone I cross. Some stick with me, some generate uncontrollable thoughts or controllable urges.

I haven't a clue what our current purpose is beyond the parasitization of Earth, but I imagine like all other living, breathing mammalia and friends, we were built for procreation, so it's also only natural your brain is hot for the ladies. You're just oversensitive to your thoughts, and then obsess over the thoughts, and then wind up here seeking advice. Or wait, is that me?

We are all the descendants of men who did that and more. If they hadn't, none of us would be here.

Of course... that's no excuse to let your instincts infringe upon others. Never let your urges make someone feel unsafe.

But don't feel bad about a trait that most humans inherited and had no say in.

its the society that is fucked up. I can very much relate to you. And its extremely shitty that more starved you are, harder it becomes to take care of it since you are supposed to pretend you are not attracted that much. It really eats the mind having to deal with it without having ways to do it. Personally i have had problems about seeing couples, i just become bitter and jealous. It has gotten easier, mostly because i have at least some hope in my life now.

You are not broken, you are just victim of our shitty society.