(Tehran) The White House announced Monday that an understanding had been reached to end the war between Iran, Israel, and the United States, marking the 36th such announcement since the start of the war. Trump said this was the final end to the war, but vowed to continue ending the conflict until it was over.

“We have an agreement,” he said while golfing in Florida. “They’ve agreed to everything, we have a deal in the bag. But if we have to hit them again, we will, and then we’ll end it again. But the strait is open.”

Leaders in Tehran responded that no deal had been reached, and made the proactive step of announcing that the next end of the war would also be fictitious, and probably the next as well. “Statistically we believe he’ll announce the war ended 4 times this week. None of these will be real, but feel free to pretend along with him. Just don’t look at ship traffic.”

Ship traffic remains light in the Strait of Hormuz, as both Iranian and US blockades interdict shipping, despite US claims of peace.

Some feel the President may be attempting to campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize with his claims. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hawaii, said “not many men can say they ended a war once, much less 35 times. God bless the President for not giving up on ending the war over and over, just before the stock market opens.”