(Tehran) The White House announced Monday that an understanding had been reached to end the war between Iran, Israel, and the United States, marking the 36th such announcement since the start of the war. Trump said this was the final end to the war, but vowed to continue ending the conflict until it was over.
“We have an agreement,” he said while golfing in Florida. “They’ve agreed to everything, we have a deal in the bag. But if we have to hit them again, we will, and then we’ll end it again. But the strait is open.”
Leaders in Tehran responded that no deal had been reached, and made the proactive step of announcing that the next end of the war would also be fictitious, and probably the next as well. “Statistically we believe he’ll announce the war ended 4 times this week. None of these will be real, but feel free to pretend along with him. Just don’t look at ship traffic.”
Ship traffic remains light in the Strait of Hormuz, as both Iranian and US blockades interdict shipping, despite US claims of peace.
Some feel the President may be attempting to campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize with his claims. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hawaii, said “not many men can say they ended a war once, much less 35 times. God bless the President for not giving up on ending the war over and over, just before the stock market opens.”
Better than most published satire, bravo.
Seeing Eye Cat Program to Close Following Third Death in First Week [OC]
1d 14h ago by ttrpg.network/u/bradorsomething in theonion@midwest.social
Due to a Clerical Error, Your Commencement Speaker Is A.I. Pacino
1d 22h ago by lemmus.org/u/sundray in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
Socialist Mayor Reigns of Terror Continue with Yet Another Sports Championship Victory
3d 14h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.com
Master Negotiator: President Trump Has Signed A Deal To Dissolve The US Military In Exchange For Iran Writing A 5-Star Review Of The White House On Google Maps
4d 8m ago by lemmy.dbzer0.com/u/Viking_Hippie in theonion@midwest.social from clickhole.com
The Øxymorøn - Issue 52 (Trinity 2026)
2d 10h ago by retrofed.com/u/heliotrope in theonion@midwest.social from midwest.social
Taking Spirit’s Lead: United Airlines Is Ceasing Operations After Learning You Can Do That
4d 6h ago by lemmy.dbzer0.com/u/Viking_Hippie in theonion@midwest.social from clickhole.com
EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide
4d 6h ago by sh.itjust.works/u/nkat2112 in theonion@midwest.social from theonion.com
Canada Sends Polite Regards to the United States on Its Semi-Quasi-Bisequi-Whateverennial
5d 2h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
Welcome, Soccer Fans. We’re Monetizing the Oxygen
7d 2h ago by lemmus.org/u/sundray in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake
7d 23h ago by retrofed.com/u/protist in theonion@midwest.social from theonion.com
Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved
8d 17h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theonion.com
I Totally Forgot We Were Supposed to Dismantle Capitalism Today and Now I’m Standing in Line for a Cronut
8d 17h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
This Pride Month, Your Bank Is Straight
8d 18h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
A Few Explanations Before I Give You Grays Sports Almanac
9d 1h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
A Very Fatal Murder Season 2, Episode 1: A New Beginning [Onion Public Radio; 13:32]
9d 4h ago by lemmy.world/u/TheTechnician27 in theonion@midwest.social from www.youtube.com
The New Odyssey Movie Is Historically Inaccurate; Matt Damon Isn’t the Least Bit Greek
11d 23h ago by lemmus.org/u/sundray in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
Nintendo’s Miyamoto on bad game design
12d 4h ago by lemmy.world/u/cannedtuna in theonion@midwest.social
Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden’s New Memoir
12d 6h ago by slrpnk.net/u/Midnight in theonion@midwest.social from theonion.comMount Baker Station Celebrates Opening of New Park & Ride to Psychiatrist
13d 4h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.com
Crazy Socialist Mayor of Seattle Says Cars Not Allowed to Drive on ‘Trains-Only’ Train Tracks
13d 5h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.com
PETA Billboard Falsely Assumes Man Wouldn’t Eat His Cat
14d 4h ago by slrpnk.net/u/Midnight in theonion@midwest.social from theonion.com
I’m Sorry, Sweetie, You Can’t Have a Cell Phone Because I Don’t Know How to Add You to Grandma’s Family Plan
15d 5h ago by lemmus.org/u/sundray in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.netOrcas Getting a Little Sick and Tired of Being Asked to Solve All Your Billionaire Problems
19d 1h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.com
For Sale: Digital Art Collection and Miscellaneous Items Priced to Move
21d 1h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
I, Sisyphus, Am Ninety-Five Percent of the Way There
21d 1h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
AI Writing Jobs You Should Apply to Today
21d 1h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
Zuckerberg Docks Annual Salary of 1,400 Laid-Off Meta Workers in Seattle
21d 2h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.com
H&R Block Location Mistaken For ‘Backrooms’ Fan Event
21d 23h ago by lemmy.world/u/cannedtuna in theonion@midwest.socialTrump Administration Allowing Americans to Vote on the Next Invasion [OC]
25d 17h ago by ttrpg.network/u/bradorsomething in theonion@midwest.social
Corruption Has Gotten Way Too Lazy
25d 23h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.netSeattle Mayor Apologizes to Starbucks, Thought It Knew Everyone Here Hated Them Already
26d 6h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.comMillionaires Tax Payers Assured They Only Need to Cut Back on Lattes to Afford Fifth Home
26d 6h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.com
I’ll Take This Costco Sample, but Only So I Can Make an Informed Purchasing Decision
26d 6h ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.netOpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child
27d 6h ago by feddit.org/u/Vittelius in theonion@midwest.social from youtu.be[Video] OpenAI Announces Construction Of New Data Center On Top Of Sick Child
27d 9h ago by sh.itjust.works/u/testaccount789 in theonion@midwest.social from www.youtube.com
Marketing Fail: Taco Bell Has Released A Tostada Only Women Can Taste, Only Dogs Can See, Only Kids Can Smell, And Only Men Can Buy
27d 13h ago by lemmy.dbzer0.com/u/Viking_Hippie in theonion@midwest.social from clickhole.comAI Stocks Soar as Developers Add Blockchain Support [OC]
27d 23h ago by ttrpg.network/u/bradorsomething in theonion@midwest.socialPolice Officer Injured in Luigi Mangioni Case as 3 Boxes of Women’s Underwear Fall Off Shelf [OC]
29d 22h ago by ttrpg.network/u/bradorsomething in theonion@midwest.social
Judge Orders Everyone to Know This Piece of Shit from Covington, Not Seattle
1mon 2d ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.com
Crazy
1mon 3d ago by lemmy.dbzer0.com/u/Viking_Hippie in theonion@midwest.social from midwest.social
I Cannot Throw Away USB Cables, and It Is Becoming a Problem
1mon 4d ago by lemmus.org/u/sundray in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online
1mon 4d ago by slrpnk.net/u/Midnight in theonion@midwest.social from theonion.com
Accurate
1mon 5d ago by lemmy.dbzer0.com/u/Viking_Hippie in theonion@midwest.social from midwest.social
We’re Diversifying the University by Hiring More Crackpots
1mon 6d ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.netA Very Fatal Murder Episode 1: A Perfect Murder [Onion Public Radio; 13:56]
1mon 7d ago by lemmy.world/u/TheTechnician27 in theonion@midwest.social from www.youtube.com
A Review of Director Ka$h Patel’s FBI Bourbon
1mon 7d ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net
Excerpts from Chief Justice John Roberts’ High School English Essays
1mon 7d ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from www.mcsweeneys.net$18M Laurelhurst Mansion Owner Just Wishes There Was Some Way to Not Live Next to Noisy Hospital
1mon 7d ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from theneedling.com
Mother's Day Card Mailed
1mon 7d ago by feddit.online/u/CombatWombat in theonion@midwest.social from midwest.social